A while back I saw this video which shows the aging of a computer-generated human model from a small kid to elderly in under 5 minutes. Titled “Danielle,” you can check out the video here:

As you watch, notice how the second-by-second changes aren’t significant at all? For example, when you watch any part of the video for only 5 seconds, it looks like nothing’s changing. However, fast forward by a minute and the girl/woman is visibly older. Same person, but older!

This got me thinking about the power of little changes and how we often underestimate their impact.

How “Little” Diet Changes Affect Our Skin

Take for example, our diet. In 2011 I did a 21-day water fast. One of the biggest physical changes I got from the fast, besides weight loss, was a marked improvement in my complexion. As I already had a fairly good complexion pre-fast, I was pleasantly surprised to see it improving during my fast. By the end of my 21-day fast, my complexion wasn’t just “good” — it was extremely smooth, like baby’s skin!

The funny thing is that this “baby skin” quality was exactly what my skin used to be like in my early teens. Years of bad eating had caused it to slowly “deteriorate” to how it was pre-fast — occasional breakouts, zits, open pores, and oilier skin. Yet, I wasn’t aware of this “deterioration.” After all, the daily changes were too small to be noticed, just like how the frame-by-frame changes in “Danielle” are too small to be detected.

But oh they were there alright. Just because I can’t physically see the impact right after eating a junk food meal doesn’t mean it’s not causing changes to my body. It’s too small to be noticed by the naked eye but it’s there. Food affects our body at a cellular level, and when we choose the healthiest, freshest food, we give our body the best nourishment, which then adds up over time to create our best health (and skin).

Little Actions to Over 1 Million Pageviews/Month

The power of little changes can also be observed on PE.

When I started my blog, I did not have targets like to write X number of articles, to create manifestos/e-books, or to create courses. I did have a big-picture vision of making PE the top personal development blog with millions of readers, but other than that I was mainly focused on getting started with my purpose and taking as much action as I could.

So every day, I would focus on creating content, marketing, and hitting my weekly traffic targets. Some days my “wins” would be completing an article or getting a media interview. Other days I would not have any tangible achievements, say only writing 200 words for an article (due to writer’s block), doing back-end site tweaks, or even discarding a half-written article after realizing that it wasn’t working out!

Regardless of whether I had a win or not, I would always focus on doing as much as I could each day. With this focus, PE grew quickly over months, then years. Today, many years later, PE has nearly 800 articles, 50 manifestos, 21 challenges conducted, and a selection of premium courses on personal growth. Traffic-wise, we’re now at over one million pageviews a month! All these came as a result of constant hard work over many years.

The interesting thing is that if you were to take a screenshot of PE now and ask the younger me to create a site like this, I would be overwhelmed. That PE has become such an expansive resource wasn’t a deliberate target per se but a result of little changes over time. I figured that as long as I do something that helps at least one person each time, then I’m heading in the right direction. This led to the website you see today.

Underestimating Little Changes

However, some people don’t care about little changes. They prefer to see big changes fast. When they don’t see big changes, they feel like they’ve failed and are ready to quit.

Take for example,

• Weight loss: It’s common for people to feel disappointed about their weight loss when they hit a plateau. For some, they think that they’ve “failed” when they regain a bit of weight (which could be due to water retention or muscle gain). When this happens, many give up and revert to past, unhealthy habits, hence negating everything they have done.
• Blogging: Many bloggers start their blogs with great enthusiasm as they prepare to make their mark online. However, when they see only trickles rather than massive surges of traffic after a few months, they decide that blogging isn’t for them. They give up and declare their blogs a failure. Hence, most abandon their blogs after a year. For some, they don’t even last past 3 months.
• Dating: In love, it’s easy to get disappointed after a few bad dates or 1-2 bad relationships. Rather than celebrate what they’ve learned, many conclude that they’re not meant to find love. They feel that they are doomed in relationships and close themselves off in love (as many of my Soulmate Journey participants can attest to).

Such a fixation with big changes is actually debilitating. Why?

1. There’s an incubation period for everything, including our goals. Just because we aren’t seeing big results right away doesn’t mean that things aren’t working. For what it’s worth, things could well be going the way they should.
2. Little changes pave the way for big changes. You have to layer a road before you can drive on it. By focusing on big changes only, you may well miss the big picture and jeopardize your own success.
3. Little changes add up to become big changes over time. As you can see from the graphs below, a small difference may look like nothing in the beginning, but creates a big impact over time:
   

   A small angle X amounts to an insignificant difference at first

   … However, this insignificant difference becomes substantial when extended over time (Graphs from my post 5 Procrastination Lies We Tell Ourselves, Debunked)

For example with weight loss, it took me 10 years before I was able to achieve and sustainmy current, ideal weight. During this time, I had to work through my root issues of stress eating, negative body image and self-hate — issues embedded in me as a child — before I naturally shed off my excess weight. Had I fixated myself on fast weight loss (which I was doing initially and it didn’t get me anywhere), I’d still be stuck with yo-yo dieting today.

With blogging, it didn’t take me long to see initial results, though this was because I knew I was in this for the long haul. So instead of busying myself with short-term actions (like worrying about traffic count or how to get my first client), I focused on long-term actions (like pouring myself into writing highest quality, timeless material). This helped me cut through the clutter online. If I was hung up on earning money or getting many clients right away, which many new bloggers are, I would probably have given up long ago. I probably wouldn’t even be writing this to you today.

Last but not least with love, I only met my soulmate after 28 (nearly 29) years of being single. Before that, I had met many guys, gone on many dates, and experienced ambiguous, and at one point toxic, connections. I never gave up nor shut myself off in love though. Even though I was disappointed at times, I knew that everything was helping me grow as an individual and become a better partner.

As it turned out, I eventually attracted my husband into my life — who turned out to be someone I already knew, just that we didn’t get together because we weren’t ready for each other yet.

Rethinking Little Changes

Don’t get me wrong — big changes are important. After all, I’m always talking about setting big goals and working on the highest impact actions. To loosely quote Einstein, to do the same thing over and over again despite little to no results is insanity. One should learn to adapt their actions to achieve the best outcome.

However, it’s a totally different thing when you focus on big changes to the point that you constantly feel disappointed when you don’t get big “enough” results; where you don’t recognize the small successes you are getting; where you constantly beat yourself up for your “lack of results” and hence stop taking action.

Not only is it self-defeating, but it’s silly because what’s really causing your “lack of results” isn’t your lack of results per se. It’s your lack of recognition of the little results you are getting, that sometimes “little” to “no” changes could well be results (because your goal is in an incubation period), and that sometimes little changes are really progress.

So here’s my note to you today:

1. Is there a goal you’ve been stalling in? What is it and why?
2. What little action steps can you start with?
3. What little results should you watch out for as you work on your action steps? These are success easter eggs that tell you if you’re on the right track. Watch out for them and be thankful as you receive them.
4. What can you do to stick to the actions in #2 over time? (E.g., if one of your actions is to create a weekly video for your vlog, how can you ensure that you produce a video on time each week?) These actions should be small enough for you to commit over time, yet challenging enough such that you are pushing your boundaries.

Remember, the universe rewards consistent and great work. If you aren’t even appreciating the little results you have achieved, if you aren’t following through with little action steps for your goal, then how can you expect the universe to send bigger stuff your way? Get started with small actions first. Commit to them. Appreciate the results that you do get, be it little or not. Then perhaps the path will reveal itself. 🙂

Read:

• The 21-Day Incubation Period
• I’m Depressed about My Lack of Progress. What Should I Do?

Last week I felt like a failure. It was just a series of events in recent period that made me feel this way, like

• my dad getting injured at work and having to go through surgery to fix the injury. It made me feel that I failed to care for him as a daughter (he’s fine now and going through physiotherapy);
• my mom being diagnosed with diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure which made me feel that I failed to care for her as a daughter;
• myself getting mild gastritis which I took as a sign that I failed to care for myself properly;
• myself having piles that don’t seem like they are going to go away;
• having to get an urgent colonoscopy because I thought I had colon cancer from all the bleeding from piles (luckily it was a false alarm);
• being in and out of hospitals/clinics again and again due to all these assorted issues and having to wait for hours on end each time, sometimes getting crappy service;
• not being able to get to my to-do’s because of all these things going on;
• having a nagging cough that had me coughing my lungs out, along with a bad flu and fever;
• in general, a series of little things not going my way.

That night as Ken and I got ready to sleep, I said, “I feel like a failure.” He immediately said, “Don’t say that Maomao. You are feeling this way because you set very high expectations for every single little thing you do. But it’s not possible to live up to such high standards for every single little thing without a margin of error. It’s okay to be imperfect in the things we do. We are all imperfect.”

For some reason, I felt better after hearing that. So even though I was coughing my lungs out that night and couldn’t sleep past a few hours, I woke up feeling much better. While I’m still recovering from my ailments, I know that a positive attitude is the only way forward and I’m looking forward to what’s ahead.

Maybe you have been feeling sh*tty about yourself. Maybe some events have been making you feel like a failure. I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Today, I want to share some tips to aid you through this tough time.

#1. You’re not a failure

Firstly, please know that you’re not a failure. You aren’t a failure because you are already a winner by being on Earth. What do I mean?

Did you know that before you were born, you were in the biggest race of your life? 250 millions of sperms raced up a cervix and “fought” to penetrate the egg inside. One sperm outlasted the 250 million other folks, successfully penetrated the egg, and fused with it to become a zygote, eventually becoming a fetus. This fetus is… you.

Why were there so many sperms needed? Firstly, the distance between the female birth canal and the fallopian tube may seem small to us (18 cm), but to a wee little sperm that’s 0.05 mm in length (can’t even be seen without a microscope), that’s one hell of a race. Most sperms never make it through this journey; it takes a champion to “swim” all the way through this distance that’s 3600 times its length. Secondly, the human egg has a hard outer layer that makes fertilization difficult. Experts believe this is nature’s way of allowing only the healthiest sperm to fertilize it, thereby producing a baby with the best chances to survive in the world. Well, this baby is you. 🙂

So the next time you think you are a failure, remember that you outdid 250 million others for your chance in life — odds even lower than winning the lottery. You have always been a champion — even before you were born. You just didn’t know it. Now you do. 🙂

#2. It’s okay to be imperfect

Sometimes we feel sh*tty about ourselves because we failed certain standards. Maybe we made a mistake that shouldn’t be made. Maybe we failed to achieve a certain result we were expecting. Maybe we feel that we could have done better in something, and the worse thing? Maybe it’s not something reversible.

To this, I want you to know that it’s okay to be imperfect. Just because you don’t achieve certain “standards” doesn’t mean you are a failure. It just means that there is something new to learn, something to improve on. And that’s the beauty of life — to learn, grow, and improve upon who we were yesterday. Life would be quite boring if we never faced any obstacles; it would also mean that we aren’t pushing ourselves hard enough, wouldn’t it? And if you ask me, perfection and imperfection are just mental concepts. We are already perfect, as ourselves. We improve not to become “perfect,” but to achieve a better, higher version of us than before.

For me, I realized through this episode that I tended to have very harsh expectations of myself and feel extremely bad whenever I didn’t live up to said standards. Yet, it’s unnatural, even impossible, to live up to such staunch expectations all the time. One, I’m a human, not a robot. (Plus, even a robot malfunctions / makes mistakes.) Two, my expectations are impossibly strict, because I always expect nothing less than the best from myself. This is true be it for highly important or little things. Yet, no one can thrive in the face of such standards. It’s a matter of time before one crumbles, even dies, under such immense scrutiny.

By learning that it’s okay not to meet expectations sometimes and it’s more important that I learn and improve, I realized that there was no “failure” to speak of, just a learning point. My misery came from being impossibly hard on myself, and by releasing myself of such expectations, I suddenly felt happier.

Read: How to Overcome Perfectionism (3-part series)

#3. Work on improving the situation

We all have the tendency to think “It’s all my fault” when something goes wrong. However, instead of “It’s all my fault” or “I’m a failure,” I recommend you to ask yourself, “What can I do to improve this situation?”

In my recent Celes.TV video How to Stay Positive All the Time, I shared how I switched from negativity to action when I learnt about my dad’s injury. Instead of needlessly self-reproaching, I focused on improving the situation through action. First, I returned to my parents’ home right away and offered support. Then, I assisted my brother with administrative stuff. Next, I assisted with hospital visits and was there with my dad the whole time (along with our family). Last but not least, I helped out in the medical bills with my brother.

With my mom’s diagnosis, it’s the same — instead of feeling needlessly negative, I focused on improving the situation by encouraging my mom about her condition, advising her on what she can/can’t eat, helping out with some of the medical costs, accompanying her on the clinic visits, and returning home to visit my parents more often. Instead of being impatient, I’ve become more supportive and patient in our communications. I realized that there’s no point in being snappy or rude in our conversations; it really achieves nothing. What’s best is to be sensitive to their (our parents’) needs and to speak from the heart. (Read: How to Improve Your Relationship with Your Parents)

If you’re feeling bad about something now, stop beating yourself up. Not only does it not change things, it only leaves you worse off with nothing changed in reality. Think about how to improve this situation instead. What is one thing, just one thing, you can do to make things better? Get started with that first. Things may not change overnight but at least this one step will move things forward. It will pave the way for more to follow.

#4. Stop comparing yourself with others

Sometimes the feeling “I’m a failure” comes when we compare ourselves with others. I know there are times when I see other websites, online personalities doing much better than me and it makes me nervous, inferior because I’d feel like I’m not doing my best to pursue my passion. It makes me wish that I were doing more to reach out to more people and make a bigger impact in their lives.

However, have you heard of this saying? “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid,” ~ Albert Einstein. I have realized that everyone is ultimately different. While some may be excelling with Approach A, that doesn’t mean that it’s an approach I want to use or that it’s aligned with my beliefs. Rather than beat myself up and feel like a failure, I’ve learned that it’s more important to stay true to who I am and do what works for me while relentlessly growing toward my vision — without making self-defeating comparisons with others.

Are you comparing yourself with others? Are you feeling inferior over such comparisons? If so, stop. What are your own ambitions, passions? Work on these and shine in your own light. Everyone has different paths in life. Your goal isn’t to be the same as others. Your goal is to be you and to be the best you.

Read: Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself With Others (and How to Do So)

#5. Don’t subject yourself to others’ judgment

While I was writing this post, I got this comment on Facebook: 

This reminded me of another comment I got recently:

Receiving such comments makes me sad sometimes, because ultimately I write every day to connect, not to alienate or offend. But I’ve also learned that there are tons of judgment in the world and you can’t please everyone. If I had ever based my self-worth on such negative feedback, then I would be a wh*re, prostitute, b*tch, and idiot according to negative commenters — and that’s all from trying to write articles, create content to help others grow.

If you’re receiving negative criticism right now, I hope you stay strong and not let such comments change your perception of you. Because there are always going to be nasty people out there; people who are unhappy, bitter no matter what you say or do. The best thing is to cut out naysayers while surrounding yourself with the people who appreciate you. There are many people who believe in you and love what you do. Do not let the naysayers pull you down, because if you do, you’d be doing a real disservice to the people who value you and your work.

• Read: Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise
• Watch: 5 Tips to Deal with Negative Criticism [Video]

#6. Know that things will get better

Even though we can do our best, bad things can still happen sometimes. For example, getting retrenched, losing your investments in a bad economy, losing a friend, losing a partner, or even… losing a loved one.

I can’t claim to know what you are going through. All I want you to know is that things will get better. Not by sitting around and doing nothing, but by allowing yourself to grief, pick up the pieces, and move on. Not by beating yourself up and numbing your soul, but by knowing that there are sometimes things we can’t control, but yet we can still make the best out of what we have, out of life.

2 years ago, PE reader Kimberly lost her dad. She was utterly crushed and life as she knew lost its meaning. I remembered Kim from the PE courses she participated in before; she has such an amazing spirit and spoke so fondly of her dad all the time because they were so close. Kim wrote a letter to Ask Celes seeking help and I posted this reply. In the post, I shared that her dad wouldn’t want her to feel this way and that while he isn’t in the physical realm now, she still has other loved ones around her. Her husband, other family members, friends, and of course, her baby daughter. These are people every bit worth living and pursuing her goals for. And of course, who can forget Kim herself? Kim is the center of her own life, the one person who has been making all her dreams and goals possible. If there’s just one person to live for, it should be she herself, first and foremost.

Fast forward a year later, Kim emailed me with an update. Not only has she landed an amazing career (an editor for a newspaper in town), she has doubled her incomeand spends all her time taking photos of people in events (one of her passions is photography), writing, and putting together the paper read by her entire city! She had also been studying photography and would have a diploma for it next month. Not forgetting Kim’s baby daughter — at the point of her email, she was turning 2 and continues to inspire Kim each day.

To you, maybe things aren’t that great for you now. Please hang in there. Please don’t give up hope. Because what seems like a lousy period is likely nothing more than a momentary down point. There are ups and downs in life; while we may look forward to the up times, it’s the down times that make us wiser, stronger, so that we can make the up times happen. Use this current down time to take stock and regroup so that you can create a better future moving forward.

#7. Step into life

Last but not least, step into life.

I’ve found that when we enter into a “I’m a failure” or “I hate myself” funk, it’s easy to recede into a cocoon. Not talk to anyone. Not reach out. Not work on our goals. Not get anything done. Not be in contact with humanity. And disappear into a hole.

If this is your way of recharging, go ahead and do that. It’s important to have down times to take stock. However, don’t do this for too long. Firstly, the world needs you for your talents. You may not realize it, but when you recede into your hole, you deprive the universe of something that only you can give. Secondly, as humans, we don’t exist as lone units. We are all part of this world. When we cut ourselves from others / the world, it may feel “safe,” even relieving at first. However, over time, it’ll only eat us on the inside as we deprive ourselves of our real energy sources — human contact, our personal growth, and the ability to affect the world with our talents. Just like a flower will wither and die when cut off of its nutrient source, a person can’t thrive when deprived of the very fundamentals of a meaningful, spiritually fulfilling existence.

So, step into the light. Get out there and meet people. Embrace your goals; take bold actions toward them. You create your future and you do that with the actions you take today (not with the actions or non-actions from yesterday). I look forward to supporting you every step of the way with PE. 🙂

Last but not least, remember: you are not a failure. You are a winner. Have been and will continue to be, as long as you never stop believing in you and never give up. Never forget that. 

And remember that I love you and will always support you in everything you do. I just thought you needed to hear that. Thank you.

Some articles you may find helpful:

• How to Start When You Have Nothing
• 10 Tips to Deal with Daily Setbacks
• Are You Sabotaging Yourself? How to Stop Self-Sabotage
• 7 Tips to Overcome the Impostor Syndrome

Have you ever felt like a fraud? Like you are an impostor?

During my recent Anti-Procrastination Course, I was working with my participants to address their inner blocks for their goals. One of them has a goal to build her coaching practice. However, she kept facing procrastination, because she feels like she is perhaps a fraud. Even though she wants to build her coaching practice and host retreats, she feels unconfident about her abilities. She says,

Have you ever felt this way before? That you are a fraud, an impostor?

The Impostor Syndrome, aka “I’m a fraud”

The impostor syndrome is the phenomenon where you feel that you are not as good as what others think, or the image you’re trying to portray. Someone who suffers from the impostor syndrome carries a fear of being “exposed” for their lack of skills and ability, even though this “lack” may just be in their mind.

Research has estimated that 2 out of 5 successful people consider themselves frauds, while 70% of all people feel like impostors at one time or another.^[1] Many famous people have admitted to feeling like a fraud before, including Chuck Lorre (screenwriter), Tina Fey, Emma Watson, and even veteran actress Meryl Streep and best-selling author Maya Angelou!

Perhaps the most ironic part is the impostor syndrome is most prevalent among high achievers — meaning the people with the least reason to feel like impostors feel it the most.

Needless to say, the impostor syndrome can lead to serious self-sabotage. In my Anti-Procrastination Course, a different participant shared how she constantly feels “not prepared enough” to start her speaking business (even though she really is), in turn making her put off her goal and take yet another qualification to be “ready.” Some avoid applying for better jobs or pass up promotions because they don’t feel qualified, even though they really are. With business owners like coaches and freelancers, some procrastinate on promoting themselves and getting new clients because they’re afraid of “exposing” themselves for not being skilled enough.

If you’re suffering from the impostor syndrome, don’t fret! Here are my 7 tips to deal with it.

1) Make a list of your achievements

As our harshest critics, we are often quick to cast doubt on our talents and abilities. We focus on what we lack and how we’re “not good enough.” This makes us feel like frauds even though we may already have the ability to do something well.

Before I started my blog, I had my doubts about why anyone would read what I had to say. Not only was I just 23 then, but there were already many great self-help blogs and gazillions of coaches out there who had been building their presence for years! Why would anyone listen to me? I thought. I felt redundant. I felt that there was no place for me in this field.

As I thought about how to differentiate myself, I decided to brainstorm on my unique strengths and achievements. While I initially thought that I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything, maybe 1-2 things at most, I was shocked when I came up with a full list of things that I had achieved throughout my life, through my hard work and merit, but had somehow forgotten! These included my scholastic achievements, personal troubles I had tackled, and accomplishments in my hobbies. Interestingly, I had swept them under the rug soon after achieving them. Seeing this list was pivotal as I thought, Hey, I can really do this. There is really something I can offer to others.

I then stopped feeling self-doubt when I started my journey. I believe this was a big reason why I could single-mindedly focus on my goal and achieve quick results in my passion journey.

Perhaps you may think: Oh, I haven’t achieved anything great. I’m not capable of anything. This is a typical impostor syndrome thought. Here’s a surprising fact: Whether you’re 30 or 20 or even 10, you already have a set of achievements under your belt, achievements unique to you. The key here isn’t to compare yourself with others but to see yourself in your own light.

I have 3 questions that I challenge you to journal on (write as many answers as possible):

1. What are your strengths? Are you driven? Passionate? Humorous? Witty? Hardworking? Committed? Genuine? Caring? Meticulous? These are traits that you have, traits unique to you. While they may seem natural to you, they are a form of achievement because YOU have these traits over others.
2. What challenges have you faced and overcome in life? We all have challenges that we face and overcome. What challenges did you face growing up? Teasing? Bullying? Self-doubt? Criticism? Anxiety? Living in an angry household? A broken family? Living in an oppressive culture? Negative stigmas? How have you dealt with them? These are achievements in themselves too.
3. What have you accomplished in your life? These achievements can be related to your work, hobbies, relationships, health, and finance. Maybe you worked your way through odds jobs to pay your tuition fees. Maybe you lost 15 kg and achieved a healthier weight. Maybe you studied really hard and got a scholarship. Maybe you worked hard to build your relationships today. These are all achievements!

Go deep into this exercise; I promise you’ll be surprised by the results. 🙂

2) Don’t sell yourself short

Maybe you feel like a fraud because you don’t think you have anything good to offer. Maybe you feel that you’re just lying and pretending to be good when you aren’t. But know that whatever place you are at in life now, you are here because you are ready for it.

For example, say you want to be a coach. You feel like a fraud because you don’t feel good enough to coach others. Perhaps you feel like you self-assigned this title of “coach” and no one has officially endorsed you as a coach. Hence you feel terrified to market your work and put yourself out there, because, hey, What if someone realizes I’m a fraud, a phony?

Yet, consider this: What does “coach” (verb) mean? To me, it means to guide, support someone to greatness. Think back to your interactions with others in the past 10 years of your life. Have there been times when you helped someone move forward in their problems? Say when you helped a friend deal with a bad breakup? When you helped someone work through a career dilemma? Or when you inspired someone to take action? Aren’t these real people you’ve helped? So why would you think otherwise, when you’ve been coaching even before you started your business?

Here’s a different example: Say you just got promoted to be manager. You feel awkward as you are now leading your peers. Instead of working side by side, you’re now their manager who delegates work, critiques them, and manages their payroll. Because of that, some of them feel unhappy. Perhaps you feel embarrassed as there is a more senior person who should have been promoted over you.

However, recognize that you have been promoted for a reason. While you may feel that you aren’t good enough for this role, trust that your managers have carefully evaluated your skills sets, performance, and potential before promoting you. After all, managements don’t just randomly promote people without reason. Your managers wouldn’t have put you here if you couldn’t do it. So how about you start believing in yourself and work on being a fantastic manager to your staff, way better than anyone else could?

Don’t sell yourself short. You are where you are today because you have what it takes and you’ve worked your way there. So how about you make the best out of it? 🙂

3) Lose your expert hat

People with the impostor syndrome tend to feel that they need to live up to their role as an expert. And when they don’t, they feel like frauds.

Lose your expert hat. Stop feeling like you need to know all the answers. For example,

• If you run a blog on X, be okay with saying, “Hey, I don’t know everything on this. But I’m constantly learning and I’m here to share what I’ve learned.”
• If you are a manager, know that you don’t have to know everything. Own up to mistakes and knowledge gaps when they happen. Then, strive to be better.
• If you’re a coach on dating, health, fitness, etc., you don’t need to pretend to know it all. Chances are there are things you don’t know, that you need to research on. And that’s okay.

Why is it important to lose your expert hat? Firstly, rather than get caught up with maintaining a certain image (which becomes an ego thing), you focus on what matters: your work and your customers. Secondly, when you stop obsessing about your image, you can work on improving yourself, including your skills and knowledge. Thirdly, no one can know all the answers because there are always be new things to learn. The best actors will have new roles that stretch their acting ability. The best doctors will receive patient cases they have never seen before. The best life coaches will face problems of their own. I’m a coach but I face many issues of my own. Personal problems, family problems, and social problems, I deal with them just like anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong in that you can still position yourself as an expert, especially if it’s part of your job status. For example, the titles of doctor, coach, consultant, and trainer convey expertise over the average person. But don’t lose yourself in it because it’s just a title at the end of the day. There will always be things we don’t know and we should (a) humbly acknowledge our knowledge gaps and (b) continuously upgrade ourselves to close these gaps. Which brings me to the next tip.

4) Improve your skills

Addressing the impostor syndrome isn’t just about self-talk. Perhaps you feel like a fraud because deep down, you see a gap between your perceived and real skills. While tips #1 and #2 are about recognizing your achievements, this tip is about self-improvement. Because there is nothing more constructive than taking action to improve yourself.

When I started my business, skills improvement was huge on my list. It still is, but it was one of my top priorities when I begun. So much so that I created a scorecard of skills to build (coaching, speaking, writing), my personal rating for each skill, and plans to improve in them. For each skill, I had a workbook to map my progress. With coaching, I tracked all my coaching sessions and would evaluate my improvement areas after each session. I would work on these areas leading to the next session. I developed my framework of coaching techniques which I refined weekly. With speaking, I created a participant feedback form on various metrics: value of content, engagement, and so on. I would track and aim for perfect scores with every workshop.

I did these rigorously for 2.5 years. By then, I had developed a fair level of expertise, so it was no longer helpful for me to do such granular tracking. Today, I improve by studying the most successful icons, getting feedback, and helping my clients achieve breakthroughs.

For you,

1. What area do you feel like an impostor in? What skills do you need to excel in it?
2. How do you rate yourself in each skill, on a scale of 0–10?
3. How can you improve such that you are a 10/10 in each skill? Research? Go for training? Consult experts? Get more hands-on practice? Read books?

Read more:

• Skills Development
• Level Up
• 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent

5) Focus on giving value

For a while I felt like a fraud running my site. Part of it was because I couldn’t keep up with the endless streams of people who needed my help. Another reason was the never-ending noise. No matter what I wrote, I would be criticized by people I didn’t know. No matter what I wrote, there would be unhappy people, people I couldn’t please.

My solution? Focus on the people I want to help. People in pain. People dealing with life’s challenges. People who want to better their lives. Then I ask myself, “How I can make a difference to them?” And I get down to work.

Impostor syndrome happens when you’re more concerned about your fears and image rather than what you want to achieve. Think about the people you want to serve. Create value for them. Forget the other things like fear, criticism, and naysayers because these are just noise that will be there no matter what.

How to deal with criticism:

• 9 Reasons Why Criticism is Good
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise
• 5 Tips to Deal with Negative Criticism [Video]

6) Stop comparing with others

In today’s social media world, we are more connected than ever. Everyone’s updates are in our face — their Facebook posts, their likes, glamour shots, accolades, others’ praises for them, and for some, their monthly business income as they post their checks and earnings and what not.

When we fail to measure up to such people, we feel inadequate. A University of Michigan study showed that Facebook decreases subjective well-being among young adults.^[2] A German study revealed that one in three people felt worse after using Facebook.^[3] While I believe this is partly due to inherent issues with Facebook, another reason is that such close proximity among people and disparity in their achievements and success can create a sense of hopelessness among some people. For some, perhaps we feel guilty for not doing as well. Maybe we feel like phonies in comparison. We wonder, Why try when this person is already so good, successful, and well known?

But everyone starts from somewhere. When we compare ourselves with each other constantly, we prevent ourselves from coming into our own. We subject ourselves to others’ yardsticks which may not be relevant to us. We follow a track that may not be what we want. As Albert Einstein once said:

Your goal here isn’t to compare with others. Your goal is to compare with and outdo yourself. Don’t let people’s success cloud your vision of you. Celebrate others’ success just as you build your own path and succeed. The world is big enough for everyone to win. Read: Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself With Others (and How to Do So)

7) Remember that everyone is still figuring things out

Our society celebrates perfection. Magazine covers are perfectly photoshopped. Cover stories are always about some rags-to-riches story that fits media’s narrative and appeals to people’s thirst for perfection. For example, a high-school dropout who becomes a millionaire with the next big startup. A woman who disrupts the male-dominated startup scene and creates some tech that revolutionizes the world.^[4] Celebrities become larger than life when they appear on TV and magazines.

Seeing these, people start to think in terms of “success” and “failure”; “have” and “have not”; “amazing” and “crap.” All experts are seen as the former; anyone who isn’t as good is lumped with the latter. Some “experts” and gurus have full-time teams who market and generate good press for them, plus clean up any bad publicity/criticism. If people didn’t already think of them as Superman/woman, they now have to.

But remember that everyone, including the experts, is still learning. Just because people are not revealing their struggles doesn’t mean they aren’t facing them.

• World-renowned comedian Robin Williams hung himself in 2014 at the age of 63; he was battling depression for a while.^[5]
• Lamar Odom, former NBA player and NBA Sixth Man of the Year, was found in a coma at a brothel in 2015, after an alleged drug binge. He is awake and now on the long road to recovery.^[6]
• Heath Ledger who played the Joker in The Dark Knight and won a posthumous Oscar for Best Supporting Actor was found dead in his home at the age of 28 from the abuse of prescription medicine.^[7] He was said to be battling drug addiction and depression leading up to his death.^[8]

Minus accolades and flashy possessions, we are not all that different from each other. All of us have struggles underneath our successes. If we can recognize that everyone is here as a human on their life journey, we can stop projecting a front and start living. We can stop judging others and start embracing who and what we are. We can stop trying to be someone we are not or stop trying to appear perfect, but work on being ourselves, being our best self.

How about you? Which tips can you apply? Time to stop feeling like an impostor — because you aren’t. You are you. 🙂 And you deserve the best.

Also check out:

• Are You Sabotaging Yourself? How to Stop Self-Sabotage
• I’m Depressed about My Lack of Progress. What Should I Do?

Do you have times when you feel lousy about yourself? Times when you hate yourself or just feel that you’re just worthless?

I have these moments, and if you do, I want you to know that you’re not alone. More importantly, I want to share with you tips to deal with such debilitating moments of negative self-worth, so that you can gain strength to continue in your journey and not feel like you need to struggle by yourself. 

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share 6 tips to deal with moments of negative self-worth:

• Tip #1: Forgive yourself [01:42]
• Tip #2: Everyone is struggling [04:27]
• Tip #3: Stop subjecting yourself to impossible standards [07:15]
• Tip #4: Do something that makes you happy [11:21]
• Tip #5: Identify trends in what’s making you feel negative [15:24]
• Tip #6: Recognize you are complete [22:27]

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How to Deal With Moments of Negative Self-Worth [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua.

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

Today’s podcast is about how to deal with moments of negative self-worth. I don’t know about you, but there are times when I deal with debilitating moments of negative self-worth. These moments may not be common, but there are times when they surface. During such moments, I just feel like I’m worthless, I’m doing a lousy, crappy job, or I just hate myself.

I’ve found that such moments can happen when I feel like I’m not doing a good job, or I feel like I can be doing more, or bad incidences happen and I feel beat myself up over them.

There are times when we feel down and out. I want to let you know that it’s normal. It’s okay. There’s no need to feel ashamed of feeling this way. In today’s episode, I want to share simple tips on how to deal with moments of negative self-worth and to feel better about yourself.

1) Forgive yourself

My first tip is to forgive yourself.

So, I’m not sure about you, but I have times when I fault myself for not doing things the best way, or not handling situations in a way that is in line with my 100 percent ideal definition. These don’t have to be some serious incident but just very small little things that I’m sure nobody remembers or thinks about.

But I would just think about them later on and think about how I could have handled something in a better way or dealt with one small thing in a better manner, that could have perhaps improved that overall situation.

But I’ve learned that it’s about forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for any shortfall vs. my expectations. Recognizing that whatever I did or didn’t do, I’ve already done the best that I could within that situation, within that context. And it’s about learning from the experience and working to be a better me.

Perhaps for you that could be something you’re faulting yourself for. And because of this, you feel these moments of negative self-worth. If that’s the case, is it time to start forgiving yourself? Forgiving yourself for any shortfall. Recognizing that you have really done the best you could within the circumstance, within the situation. And to focus on learning from this experience and moving forward to be a better you.

I know that forgiving yourself can be a tricky process especially if you’re dealing with some deeply embedded experiences. This is where I encourage you to use my brain dumping exercise at personalexcellence.co/blog/brain-dumping/

You can do this exercise and just ruminate over the question of, “What am I blaming myself for?” or “What am I faulting myself for?” Type out for like 10-15 minutes and see the answers that come out from there.

This is a great process to get insights into your inner psyche and to understand the thoughts, the emotions that you may not be privy to before.

2) Everyone is struggling

My second tip is to know that everyone out there is really struggling and fighting their own battles.

Sometimes we may think that everybody out there has everything together and that we are the only lousy person not doing things well, or we have so many things not accomplished and we’re lagging behind in this race called life.

But I want to remind you guys: All of us here, we are struggling in our journey. There’s nothing to feel bad about, say, goals that are not accomplished yet, or things that we’re not doing well in. Because it’s by having these things that we continue to have areas for improvement, that we continue to learn and grow, and to find joy in this life’s journey.

One big area which my clients tend to feel bad about is when they compare themselves with other people. This comparison may not be overtly done. It can be an implicit comparison where they could be looking at other people in their domain or circle who are doing extremely well, and then they beat themselves up for not doing as well or not being as accomplished in their goals. That, of course, leads to a negative self-worth.

But there’s really no need to do that. Because you’re not in a race with other people. You are on your own journey to be the best possible you, bar none. So there’s no benchmark for comparison, as much as it is you compared with who you were yesterday, or who you were a month ago or a year ago, and whether you have improved since then.

Also, whoever you’re comparing with, what’s to say that these people are not struggling with their own problems? I’m telling you that there is a very high chance that they are also struggling with their own issues. Of course, nobody’s to judge. Everybody has their own problems. But it doesn’t mean that just because someone seems to have it all together, or someone seems to have every single accolade or accomplishment, or material achievement, that they would be very, very happy with their life. That’s not the case at all.

Ultimately what’s most important is that you are happy in your own journey and you’re constantly working to be the best possible you vs. just comparing with people.

3) Stop subjecting yourself to impossible standards

My third tip is to stop subjecting yourself to impossible standards.

I recently wrote a perfectionism series, and you can check it out at personalexcellence.co/blog/perfectionism/. In the series, I share the downsides of neurotic perfectionism, as well as eight tips to address that. I feel one of the big issues of neurotic perfectionism would be constantly having impossible standards for yourself, and then [negatively] subjecting yourself to these standards.

I have a few clients, and some of them can be very neurotic perfectionists. Sometimes they are very unhappy and a lot of it is self-imposed unhappiness. Because they keep comparing themselves with extremely high standards, and subsequently, beat themselves up and feel so unhappy over them. While I think that having high standards is great because that helps push you to grow, if your high standards are making you feel unhappy and miserable, then it is time to review the situation. If your standards, as opposed to supporting you in your growth and fulfillment in life, they’re instead making you so unhappy and miserable, is it time to review what’s happening?

Of course, there’s another issue altogether which could be your attachment to your expectations. Because it’s one thing to have expectations to be this and that, and it’s another thing to feel lousy and worthless when you don’t achieve those expectations. The latter comes from attachment with your expectations.

I definitely recommend reviewing your standards. Maybe you have standards that are just inherently not possible for any human being to achieve. It could be, say,

1. Doing a particular task without any errors, when it is perfectly normal to have errors. We can always address those areas or revise them and that’s perfectly fine.
2. Secondly, let’s say your standards are sound and fair. Then it could be reviewing your attachment with your expectations. Because you should never ever feel bad even if you don’t achieve your expectations. Even if you don’t achieve your expectations, it’s about reviewing, okay, what went wrong? Why wasn’t this achieved? What could you do to improve and increase your chances of achieving that target next time?

So not subjecting yourself to impossible, inhumane standards. And not attaching yourself to your expectations. That is extremely important.

I find that one big problem perfectionists have is sometimes they attach themselves to their expectations, and they associate their worth with whether they are achieving their targets or not — which is not true. Your worth is what it is. You are perfect. You are complete. You are who you are. By no means should your worth be linked to whether you’re achieving your targets or not.

So that is incredibly important. It is very easy to forget that and to think that when we don’t achieve a target, that we are worthless, that we’re not being good enough. But that’s not the case, alright? When you don’t achieve something, that is an event, that is what’s happening on the outside. But our worth, what’s on the inside, that never changes, and that’s always complete as itself.

4) Focus on what makes you happy

My fourth tip is to focus on what makes you happy.

Sometimes it can be a cyclical scenario where you just feel negative. And then after that, you can be doing something that makes you feel worse. And this thing could be heading out to buy junk food. It could be drinking. It could be smoking if you have a smoking habit. It could be hanging out with toxic people. Or it could be drowning in your sadness alone at home, and then watching drama series or surrounding yourself with negative things. And that’s not good.

I would encourage you to break that cycle. Just start off by doing something mildly positive or that makes you happy.

For example, years ago when I had my emotional eating problem (that I talked about openly on my blog) — looking back, I realized that whenever I felt upset, I would head straight to eat some junk food or just eat in general.

In those situations, what I was doing was using food to fill myself up, to make me feel better. So in a sense, food was my companion. It was the agent that made me feel worthy. I could be just eating by myself for a while and after that, I would feel “strong” enough to face whatever problem I was facing.

Of course, looking back, that was the wrong way to go about doing that. Because after binge eating, I would feel totally upset with myself. I would beat myself up over it. So in fact, I in a way felt marginally better than before because I was very upset and in a very low-consciousness state to be reaching out for food. But after eating, I would feel bad for putting all that junk into my body, and now have to deal with the extra calories that I just loaded onto my body! Not to mention, possibly irreversible health damage when you keep emotional eating for an extended period of time.

So obviously, that didn’t solve the problem at all. At the same time, it may be tricky to dive into the undercurrent, the roots causing you to feel bad or negative. I’ve found from all the years of coaching that these can go really deep, they can go way back, and it may be tough to deal with these in a one-off scenario.

Instead, what I would recommend is to just do something that makes you happy. It can be a very simple thing. I’m not asking you to go into some deep psychoanalysis and uncover the three biggest reasons causing you to feel unhappy or feel worthless. No, I’m just telling you to do something simple.

It can be letting yourself relax. It can be playing your favorite game. I’m not saying to play the game for 20 hours, I’m saying just to play it and make yourself feel better. It could be just messaging a friend, to ask how is that friend doing. It could be reading your favorite websites or watching your favorite YouTube channel.

So very simple things. I’m not asking you to do something that is huge and requires a lot of intellectual analysis because I know sometimes when this is expected, some of you may feel that it’s very intimidating. Just do something happy. Even watching your favorite movie. This is something that you can do, that can just make you feel better in a matter of minutes, if not half an hour and an hour.

5) Identify trends in what’s making you feel negative

My fifth tip is to identify what’s making you feel negative.

Sometimes there may be trends in what’s making us feel a certain way. The tips that I shared earlier, they definitely help us feel better. But ultimately it is important to understand, are there some recurring trends [in what’s making us feel negative]? And if there are, how can we reduce or eliminate them?

My Pattern #1: Facing negative people

For example, I’ve found that I tend to be very sensitive to people and their reactions. That’s part of what helps me in my work. It’s because by removing or lowering my barriers — because all of us have natural barriers towards people, it makes any sense at all. For myself, through the years of my work, I’ve learned to open up all my conduits to people. That means when people say something, I process the information thoroughly and fully. When I’m with someone or speaking to someone, I just soak into everything a person has to offer.

So one pattern that I noticed is that — some of the moments where I have feelings of negative self-worth, they tend to be triggered by people who are being negative. This could be people who are just being rude or insensitive, or where there’s some incompatibility in values or consciousness.

And there isn’t like one particular person, but it could be different people. It could be random people or acquaintances, or even customer service staff. While I can easily raise my guard and ignore such situations — which I would, after the encounter — my personal preference is to communicate with people in an unguarded way. To be my authentic self. To connect with people on a deep level, even if it’s a frontline staff.

Because of that, for me, I would prefer to stay away. Create a distance between people whom I have found incompatible in terms of attitude or values or just the overall consciousness level. Maybe someone who is angry or negative, that wouldn’t be a strong fit in terms of compatibility.

It could be as simple as knowing a particular eatery or restaurant where the customer service tends to be quite bad, where maybe the staff are a bit judgmental or give preferential treatment to a particular race or gender. So then, I would stay away from these places and instead patronize the eateries where I already know the staff and I know that they’re fantastic, they’re great. I go there, I feel good, I have a great time with them, and I also support their business. That works great for me, in terms of maintaining a positive level of emotions and a positive consciousness level.

My Pattern #2: Not achieving my high standards

Another pattern that I noticed — when I was reviewing what was causing me not to feel good, I realized [my negative self-esteem] came from not matching my personal targets with my to-dos.

Some of you may be able to relate to that. Maybe you find that you have certain expectations. You want to complete certain things but you haven’t. And when that happens, you beat yourself up over that. So I can relate to that.

When I reviewed this, I realized that there were two ways for me to handle this:

1. One way was that I was having unnatural expectations in terms of the work that I wanted to be completed. I needed to address that. So then, it was about adjusting — not necessarily lowering — but adjusting. Adjusting to a target which was more in line with what I could offer, and still have adequate time for personal rest and relationships.
2. The second thing was to review my processes. Going for the 80/20. Not going for the diminishing returns. So revising and addressing the way that I was doing things.

This made things easier. It relieved a lot of the tension and pressure that I was putting on myself.

For you, think about this: Are there any trends when you feel negative, down, or low in self-worth? Note down these times when it happens. Create a simple post-it note on your mobile phone or create a draft email to yourself. Just do a simple note on: When did you feel negative (when you feel negative)? What happened to make you feel that way?

Make it a habit to jot this down every time you feel this way. Over time, you will have a compilation of such notes. This is when you can start to see, okay, has there been any trend in why you’re feeling this way? Do you feel this way after interacting with a particular person? Or do you tend to feel this way on a particular day of the week where there’s an event or some situation that you’re in?

So try to understand: Is there a trend or pattern that is going on? Because when that happens, you can accurately pinpoint what’s causing you to feel that way, and subsequently address that. It could even be when you look at others’ websites or blogs in your same domain [of work]. After a while, you feel bad and negative. And when you really think about it, it’s because you are seeing other people doing well, but you don’t feel like you’re doing as well. So then, it could be triggered by when you see others doing better than you.

When you identify these factors, then you can deal with them. For example, if it’s triggered by comparison, I have an article on how to stop comparing at personalexcellence.co/blog/comparing/. Or if it’s triggered by scenarios where you feel like a fraud, I have an article that deals with that as well. That’s at personalexcellence.co/blog/impostor-syndrome/. In that article I go into a lot more depth on how to deal with such emotions and I recommend you check them out.

6) Know that you are complete

My sixth tip is to know that you are complete.

I know that a lot of us probably feel that we are not good enough, that we are inadequate. On the Internet these days, there are just so many things that are over glamourized, over-edited. A lot of flaunting of perfect images.

There are businesses trying to sell you something, and in the process of selling you something, they’re painting that perfect life, that perfect image.

There are celebrities, internet personalities trying to express or “show off” that glamorous side of their life. And sometimes they may be doing that on behalf of their sponsors.

Everyone’s closer to each other more than ever online. So one click away, you can be seeing this person who is so successful, this internet personality, this YouTuber, this blogger, who seems to be having it all. And it’s very easy to feel inadequate because of that.

I just want to let you guys know that no matter what you’re seeing out there, no matter what people may have you believe, you are already complete. You are already full as a person. You are beautiful, you are amazing, and you are just perfect as yourself. You don’t even need a reason as to why you are perfect or complete. It’s because you just are.

All of us, when we were born into this world, we were already born complete as ourselves. It’s unfortunate that over the years, as we were growing up, we were exposed to media. Not to say that the media is evil or that our problems are all caused by the media.  The media is nothing but a tool, and it’s really the message that marketers or businesses are sending through the media that makes us feel a different way.

And the messages that we see from the media, in our era, they happen to be a lot of idealized images, “perfect” photoshopped images, or perfect lives. A lot of times this is created to sell whatever it is that they want to sell, or pitch whatever the message that they want, with a particular agenda behind that.

But you are already perfect and complete. You have always been since the day you were born. So if for whatever reason, there is someone or something making you feel inadequate or not good enough, then maybe it’s time to create some distance or to take a step back.

Evaluate who you follow online: Do they make you feel positive or negative?

For example, let’s say you follow certain blogs, YouTube channels, or online personalities. You find yourself often feeling inadequate or uncertain about yourself when you are following them, when you’re seeing their updates or their material or content.

It could be, say, because part of their material being driven to a project a certain image of perfection, and that makes you feel that gap with them. It could be part of their message or brand strategy — whether implicit or explicit — it’s just one where they uphold and perpetuate a certain ideal image. This image may not be very healthy, it focuses on the fact that perfection is only one dimension, that everything else isn’t perfect, and anybody who doesn’t conform to this vision is not adequate or not beautiful, or not whole or not complete.

This may not be something that’s explicitly said but can be felt or seen when you observe all the little things that are done, the images, and the messages coming together.

This inevitably drives feelings of inadequacy, of not being whole, of negative anxiety, that you feel like you must quickly do something to correct yourself or to address a certain “flaw” or “issue” that you have, as opposed to it being something that you’re doing out of a genuine desire for betterment — independent of fear, anxiety, or negativity. Or just feeling like you need to be something in order to be considered whole, perfect, or beautiful.

In these cases, it is good to evaluate: Is this connection compatible with you? Perhaps it’s not. Perhaps this material that this person is churning out makes you more fear-based, makes you more anxious about yourself, or feel that you are inadequate or incomplete. And that is not what you want. In these cases, maybe it’s good to assess: Does it really serve you to follow this particular content creator? If not, just unsubscribe and channel your attention onto other resources that are more conducive for your growth.

How about your relationships?

Or it could be, say, certain relationships, certain friendships. You find that out of all the times you hang out with these people, you feel more negative than positive. When that happens, that probably suggests that this relationship may not be compatible anymore. So it may be time to evaluate if this connection is serving you as well as your friend.

Say it is a family member. I know how you deal with this problem, where you have a family member who may sometimes make you feel less than adequate about yourself. What helps is creating some distance. So sometimes if there’s a very strong conflict or unhappiness or frequent arguments, I find that just creating some distance — so instead of communicating so frequently — reducing the level of communication, that can help. The cliche sometimes is true, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t necessarily agree with this in all circumstances, but I find that sometimes if there are very heated emotions, creating some distance for a short period of time, it does help each other to get some perspective.

Assert yourself if necessary

Or it can also be asserting yourself. I have one coachee in a course last year and she did this with her mom. She said that sometimes her mom may give snide or negative comments. What my coachee has learned to do is not to acknowledge or respond to those particular comments. Over time, her mom has learned not to repeat or reiterate those comments that may not be so positive.

It’s great because fundamentally what you react to, it will oftentimes perpetuate that situation. If that’s a particular behavior you don’t agree with or you don’t like, sometimes simply ignoring or not responding to it, it can send the message across. In that, you are not engaging with this because you do not believe in this. That’s especially if you tried to argue against that or make your point, but none of these have worked. Then perhaps just ignoring and not giving your energy to these situations, it can help. And then choosing to respond to the things that are more positive and conducive to your connection and relationship. That can over time really help move the conversations to a more positive level.

You are complete ❤

So remember that you are complete and you should never ever think otherwise. We have always been complete since we were born and it’s unfortunate that we kept receiving messages through time that suggested otherwise. That we need to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. We need to be at a certain weight to be considered adequate or handsome or attractive. That we need to have certain accomplishments to be acknowledged as worthy people. None of that is true.

We aim for accomplishments because we want to be better versions of ourselves. Because we take pride in improving our own skills, in acquiring results for things that we believe in. But in no way should you aim for a certain target or result because you want to feel more worthy or more adequate.

Targets and goals like these, they will eventually to a cyclical pattern. Where you continually do things like that just to feel worthy. There will never ever be a situation where you truly feel worthy about yourself until the day you acknowledge that you have always been worthy, you have always been complete, and you have always been beautiful and perfect. And you do not need any extrinsic achievement, praise, or acknowledgment to feel this way. In a way what I’m doing right now is simply reminding you of what you already have all along. 🙂

End Note

I hope you found today’s podcast helpful.

If you have found today’s podcast useful in any way at all, I would truly appreciate it if you could just take a few seconds of your time to leave a positive rating on iTunes. That would really mean the world to me. And it’ll also help share The Personal Excellence Podcast to more people out there and to support everyone in becoming the best them.

For more on improving your self-worth and boosting self-confidence, check out my self-confidence article on PE, which is https://personalexcellence.co/blog/self-confidence/. I have a self-confidence manifesto that you can download and print out for free, at https://personalexcellence.co/blog/self-confidence-manifesto/

Thank you so much for listening and I look forward to speaking to you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

End Note: Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast. For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• My Brain Dumping Exercise
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program
• How to Overcome Perfectionism (series)
• Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself With Others (and How to Do So)
• 7 Tips to Overcome the Impostor Syndrome
• How to Be The Most Confident Person In The World
• The Self-Confidence Manifesto

https://personalexcellence.co/podcast/negative-self-worth/

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Dear Enchanted, thank you for sending this letter. I want to applaud you for sending in this in because it takes courage to seek help on a matter like this. As you know, there is a strong stigma surrounding abuse, for both the victim and the abuser. Yet you have bravely sent in your question and I’ll do my best to assist you.

Laying Out the Problem

Let’s try to break down the problem here:

1. Your partner frustrates you sometimes.
2. In response, you become abusive sometimes, which can include cursing and raising your hands to your partner.

On #1, this is understandable. All relationships have their moments of frustration. My husband and I have moments when we frustrate each other too. Usually we handle these in a variety of ways from letting it pass to discussing to arguing, but we always try to resolve them and reach a positive place.

But #2 is an issue. Because as much as someone frustrates us, physical violence isn’t the way to handle the situation, whether the person is a stranger or a partner. One may say that it’s worse when the violence is meted out to your partner because this is someone you love, who trusts you not to inflict harm on him/her.

The good thing is that you recognize that (1) this abuse is a problem and (2) you want to stop it. There are abusers who feel that abusing is their right and they are entitled to violence against their partner. These people have a separate problem altogether. You clearly do not think that way. So how do we tackle this?

Understanding the Source of the Physical Abuse

First, let’s understand the source of the abusive behavior. As we have established above, the source isn’t that your partner frustrates you or her frustrating behavior (that she never seems to listen to you). There are many couples who face problems, including feeling that their partner isn’t listening to them, yet it doesn’t result in violence. Or you can put someone else in your position, in this exact situation, and he/she would probably feel irritated, but not get violent.

The source is something else and we’re here to understand what.

Enchanted, you mentioned that you grew up in an abusive household and I feel this could well be a strong link to your abusive behavior. According to studies,

• About one-third of people abused in childhood will become abusers themselves.^[1]
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of non-violent parents.^[2]
• Children of domestic violence are 3 times more likely to repeat this cycle in adulthood.^[3]

Why is this so? That’s because our childhood years are our most formative years. That’s when we form a big chunk of our life scripts, what I call childhood stories, until we consciously rewrite them later. So imagine a child who grows up in an abusive household. The subconscious beliefs formed become something like

• “It’s okay to use violence on others.”
• “Using violence on loved ones is a normal behavior” (because the child’s parents used it on him/her/each other).
• “I can use violence to express rage.”
• “Violence can be used if the situation calls for it.”
• “Violence is a way to exert control.”

Even if the child is later educated in school/society that violence is a no-no, this will not override the fundamental childhood beliefs — especially if they are deeply embedded, especially if the child never got to work through these false beliefs.

I’d like to stress that such beliefs can develop even if the child didn’t grow up in an abusive family. It could be from being a victim of a violent crime, from childhood neglect, from growing up in a verbally abusive family, from being in a broken household, or from being bullied.

As a result, you can have situations where the child, now grown up, is completely nice and gentle. You can’t tell that he grew up in an abusive family or that he’s prone to violent tendencies. He is in total control of his behavior and he genuinely cares for others. (I use the male pronoun for simplicity. A woman can a perpetrator of domestic violence too.)

However, when he gets riled up, this is when anger takes over and things get ugly. His childhood conditioning takes over as he starts shouting at his partner (or child), yelling and perhaps hitting things and hitting him/her. It’s like he’s a demon possessed. He says things that he doesn’t normally say and he does things that he would never, ever do. Alcohol aggravates this behavior as it lowers inhibition and rational thought, and causes the deeper issues to surface.

When everything is over and the dust settles, he begins to deeply regret what he did, said. He apologizes and vows never to do this again. And he really tries his best. But somehow there will be something that trips him down the road, that results in the same cycle all over again. This is known as the cycle of violence.

To those of you who relate to Enchanted’s problem, does this feel familiar?

1) Violence is Not the Start of the Problem

The first thing I’d like you to understand is that violence is not the start of the problem. Violence is the tip of the problem, albeit a very extremely serious tip with grave consequences.

The real problem started way before the violence surfaced. It could be when you witnessed or received domestic violence in your household. It could be when you made certain conclusions about yourself and the world after experiencing the abuse. These incidences, combined with other issues/beliefs, brewed over time to give rise to abusive behavior.

Hence, when the abuse happens, it’s because there has been a certain build up of pain, angst, and grievances, as well as a lineup of preconditions (like abusive beliefs), that results in the lashing out. This is why the abuse occurs despite your best effort — it’s often the final display in a series of unresolved issues.

By saying this, I’m not in any way excusing the abusive behavior. Your partner has physical and emotional pain that she now needs to live with, as do you — but understanding this is crucial to get resolution.

As a result, working on the abusive tendency only isn’t going to solve the problem. You need to get to the root of the issue. Because of that, if you are abusive, I recommend you get professional aid as resolving this will take time. I will, however, keep writing this article to give you a general guide.

2) Understand What’s Triggering the Violence

There are usually triggers to violence. If not, you would be violent to everyone 24/7 which isn’t the case. (There are people like that and they obviously suffer from a different problem.)

Our goal is to understand what these triggers are. It doesn’t mean that these triggers are the issue though. Like I mentioned, violence is the tip, not the start, of the problem. Likewise, these triggers are merely catalysts of the abuse. There are certain pre-existing issues causing the violence to occur. Knowing what these triggers are will give us insight into these deeper issues.

I have an exercise for you:

1. Get some quiet space with yourself.
2. List the past 3 incidents when you got violent with your partner (or kid, or family member). If there’s been one incident in total, then work with this one.
3. Think about what happened in each incident before you got abusive. Perhaps your partner wasn’t listening to you, said something that insulted you, or did something that pissed you off. Write this down.
4. Pick the incident where you had the biggest reaction. Imagine you’re in the situation right now, getting abusive. Ask yourself, 
   
5. Type the answers that follow. Think of it as having a conversation with yourself, and keep probing until you get to the root reason of the violence. Be prepared for strong emotions surfacing. You’ll know the root cause when you reach there.

Take for example, someone who gets abusive when his partner refuses to listen to him. Here is a set of possible answers:

• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I’m very angry
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because she keeps rattling off even though I’ve told her to stop
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because it’s the only way to get her to stop
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because it’s the only way to make her pay
  • Because otherwise she won’t know how serious I am
  • Because I hate her
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I don’t know what other way to get through to her
  • Because I’m already tried my best
  • Because I’m at my wits’ end
  • Because I don’t know
  • Because I don’t know better
  • Because I’m a pile of shit
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I hate myself
  • Because I don’t know what else I can do
  • Because I just want her to listen to me
  • Because I feel like I’m alone in this world
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I just need her to listen to me
• So why violence?
  • Because if I don’t use violence, I don’t know if she will ever listen to me. I may never get my point across. I may never be heard and understood.
• So why violence? Because you have no right to use violence.
  • Because I don’t know any other way. Violence is the only way I know to get heard. 
• Why is it important to get heard?
  • Because if I don’t get heard, I don’t exist. I’m not a real human being.

The answer is out: as it turns out, the person in this example gets abusive because he is screaming to be heard. If he is not heard, he becomes non-existent; a non-existent human being. This thought terrifies him and he cannot accept it. So he desperately lashes out in physical violence, screaming and crying for the one person who matters to listen to him: his partner.

Does this justify the violence? No of course not. Violence is not justifiable under any circumstances, unless it’s self-defense. The above is meant to understand the trigger for the person’s abusive behavior. Of course when you think about it, it doesn’t make sense because not only does violence not help one get heard, but it will make it difficult for any trusted communication in the future due to fear and trauma. But many deep personal issues are not logical and stem from emotional difficulties. It’s important to recognize and understand them to start the healing process.

Besides this, there can be other reasons for domestic violence. Such as

• Using violence to keep love by your side,
• Using violence as an act of superiority and create power over your victim,
• Using violence to release your pain,
• Using violence as an act of vengeance, to make your partner “pay” for a wrongdoing (say, infidelity), and
• Using violence to feel that you’re wanted/needed.

Continue the exercise for the other 2 incidents. If you have more incidents to dig into, repeat with them. Keep doing it until you’ve uncovered all the root causes of your abusive tendencies.

3) Deal with the Root Issues

Depending on your results, you can have multiple factors driving your abusive behavior. These factors can be different or related. Each factor likely deals with a deep personal issue, possibly linked to the trauma you experienced as a child. Get down to the root of each root issue (yes, there are roots to roots) and understand how it came about.

Let’s say you have been using violence to get heard. Your reason is because if you don’t get heard, you feel you don’t exist. Some questions to dig into are

• Why do you have this belief?
• What makes you think that you don’t exist?
• When did this thinking start, and why?
• How can you start “existing” in this world?

Or let’s say violence is your way to keep love by your side. You feel that you lack love and you cannot stand the thought of not having someone with you. Some questions to think about are

• Why do you lack love?
• What’s keeping you from feeling love?
• What’s love to you?
• How can you start loving yourself?

Tackling each root will likely open a floodgate of emotions: anger, bitterness, hatred, and pain. It will also open up a flood of childhood memories and unhappiness. While uncomfortable, it’s necessary because this is the s*** that was not processed before, that subsequently led to your violent behavior today. What’s different is that you’re now an adult, stronger and more conscious of who you are. What was confusing before can now be properly analyzed as you are able to dissect and understand them.

The above will take time. You need time to work through grief, pain, anger, hate, and perhaps even loss. I recommend you to read my How to Deal with Anger (series), which is on removing anger from your life and identifying deeper issues that drive anger in us.

In any case, the self-healing must happen, first and foremost, before you can expect a fully functional relationship with your partner. You must work on your self-love before turning to your partner for love. You must work on your issues on “being heard” before expecting your partner to listen to you. You must work on neediness issues instead of turning your relationship into a needy one. Because unresolved internal issues will ripple into your relationship with your loved ones — it’s not a coincidence that your inner struggles have impacted your life. When you heal yourself, you make it possible to have a meaningful relationship with others.

4) Use Coping Strategies in the Interim

As the healing will take time, it’ll be good to have coping strategies to manage the abusive behavior. I recommend the following:

1. As there is an unhealthy dynamic between you and your partner right now, I recommend to limit physical contact, at least until you feel you have made enough headway in your recovery such that the abuse will not recur. This is really for your safety and her’s. With the internet and smartphones, it’s easy to still be in touch while not being physically by each other’s side. If you are spouses, consider living in separate places (like with a parent). Time apart will also help you focus on solving your inner issues.
2. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you must cut off complete contact. Keep your partner in the loop of your discoveries. Involve him/her so that he/she can encourage you and be a part of your healing process. 
3. Should you need to meet,
   1. Meet in public spaces. If not, have at least 1–2 other people (adults) in your company.
   2. Have your partner save a few emergency helplines on speed dial and keep her phone on her at all times. She should call them should there be anything amiss.
   3. If you feel an abusive streak surfacing, get as far away from your partner as possible. Leave the place. Journal the questions I provided in Step #2. Write as much as you need to and let the angst flow through the words. Get to the root of why you’re suddenly feeling the need to abuse again. Is it a new root? Or something you’ve uncovered? Address it as per Step #3.
4. Your partner should call a domestic abuse helpline to receive counseling as a victim, so she is better equipped to deal abuse situations. 

5) Recognize the Sacredness of Your Partner’s Body

As you work on your self-healing, I want to bring attention to the sacredness of the human body. One of the factors of domestic violence is that the abuser feels like they “own” the victim’s body and they have the right to do whatever they wish to it. This belief is subconscious rather than conscious, especially if the abuser does not consciously want to abuse.

Understand why there’s a part of you that is okay with hitting your partner. You may have these answers:

• “Because she’s a part of me”
• “Because I can do whatever I want with her”
• “Because she’s my spouse/partner and hence she’s ‘mine’ “
• “Because she says she loves me and hence she’d be okay with that. She’d understand.”
• “It happened before and she forgave me. So, she’ll forgive me again even if I lose control.”

Go through each statement one by one and ask yourself if it’s really true.

Because while she is your partner, that doesn’t give you the right to hit her or feel like you can “control” her. Your partner is an individual human being as are you. Her body is sacred as is yours. Rather than subconsciously feel that you “own” her body because she is with you, you should recognize and treasure the sacredness of her body, as you would with any human being’s. Your partner is a separate human being and she deserves love, respect, and dignity as do you. To use violence on her would be to disrespect who she is and abuse your place as her lover and partner. This understanding is fundamental to breaking abuse patterns.

Wrapping Up

Abuse is a very deep topic and it’s not possible for me to cover everything in just one article. What I’ve done is provide general pointers to put you in the right direction. I hope I’ve helped in some way.

This article is not meant as a replacement for professional help for addressing abuse. I highly recommend that both you and your partner get professional aid in addressing this episode. For your partner, it’s important because there is trauma associated with abuse. Letting this sit in her without dealing with it may result in a cycle of violence later in her life.

I did a Google search and there are many organizations that provide domestic abuse help. Here are some helplines to call; these helplines are 24/7:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
• Love is respect (US / for teens)
• National Domestic Violence Helpline (UK)
• 1800 RESPECT (Australia)

Even if you’re not in those countries, I think you can just call them — I honestly do not think that they restrict help only to people in their locality. Skype allows you to make international calls; just add the country code in front of their hotline number.

There are also domestic abuse counseling services in many countries and you can do a Google search for results pertaining to your locality. Just calling the helplines above will be a great start.

Please keep me posted on how this goes, okay?

If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, read: I’m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?

Also check out: How to Let Go of Anger (series)

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/stop-being-abusive/

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