Love Yourself - There is Nothing Wrong with You; 11:04 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on May 30, 2016
On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, talks about how you do not need to continue to collect evidence that proves there is something wrong with you.

You can stop treating yourself like a self-improvement project. You can stop pursuing the wild goose chase of being whole and healed — a goose chase that is actually fueled by shame and self-aggression, and whose only function is to generate more shame and self-aggression.

If you have some real world mental health concerns and/or work with the realities of extreme states of mind as suffering, then you are invited to take care of yourself, learn some new skills for how to attend to your mind, and stay curious about the challenges you face in the realm of mental health or trauma or addiction or relationships, etc. However, as you mature and grow and attend to your mind, you can give up treating yourself like a self-improvement project.

You can give up proving that you are a broken mess of a human being who needs fixed.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are lovely. You do not need to internalize your life challenges as permanent markers of your identity or use them as factors to determine your worth.

Instead, you have permission to drop into your basic goodness. You have permission to be okay with yourself. You have permission to know your worth even while you simultaneously feel conflicted and pained by life’s suffering and challenges.

Please remember, there is nothing wrong with you. You are lovely. You can love yourself.

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Alan offers phone or video counseling sessions to clients and is available in-person in Philadelphia.

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How Do You Love Yourself? Healing Love Addiction; 6:56 Min. ; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Apr 9, 2016
In this video, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist Alan Robarge talks about how to frame self love in ways that make it less conceptual and more practical. He begins by asking the question "Is this an act of self-loving?" We can expand the language so that self-love also means self-kindness, gentleness, and compassion. He introduces the approach of slowing down, being curious, and feeling your feelings.

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Attachment Injuries and Codependency - Love Addiction; 22:34 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Apr 17, 2016
On this video, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, Alan Robarge, talk about the link between attachment injuries and codependency. The attachment injury often comes with beliefs that undermine one's sense of self. The development of the self is compromised when coming from a family system where the child does not feel fully seen, known, heard, and understood. The resulting core beliefs then impact the child's sense of worth and sets forth the foundation for future codependent relating. In adulthood, a person living with an attachment injury will seek outside validation and reassurance but do so in unhealthy, inappropriate ways. These inappropriate ways of needing a partner to mirror back one's worth is the dynamic of codependency.

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Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup; 29:47 Min. ; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Sep 10, 2016
When a relation ends, you are crushed. It's time for self-care and to accept reality. In this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, talks about ways to come into the present moment and comfort yourself. This will not be easy. Life as you know it is turned upside down. Self-care is what is needed.

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Why You Cannot Stop Crying After a Break Up (Family Grief and Attachment Trauma); 52:47 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Nov 26, 2016
On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach, talks about why some of us cannot stop crying after a relationship ends.

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How to Interrupt Obsessive Thinking: Drop the Story; 25:00 Min. ; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Nov 19, 2016
On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach, talks about interrupting obsessive thinking by learning how to drop the narrative and move into the feelings underneath. It's a practice. It's a discipline to not get hooked into the details of our juicy stories.

We practice attending to the underlying meanings and judgments that we have assigned to the situation or to the relationship or to the other person. We notice the degree of charge these projected meanings contribute to triggering our feelings of urgency and panic.

The goal here is to pull out of the story line and turn down the volume of intensity that we are experiencing in the moment. Often times, we are responsible for exaggerating our levels of intensity. This approach means we can discover the range of activation and begin to strengthen the mind's skill to not take the bait. It's a practice to not get sucked into the obsessive churning of details, events, chronology, assumptions, and expectations.

Thanks for checking out the video. What do you think? Does it resonate?

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Cannot Completely End or Walk Away From Relationship (Attachment Trauma Series); 12:13 Min. ; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Oct 27, 2016
On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach, talks about not completely ending a relationship and over time returning or trying to get back together. It's a dance of on-again-off-again that never seems to end. It involves reality distortion, false hope, self-betrayal, choosing suffering, and putting one's life on hold.

One way to really confront this dynamic is to come clean about the sick dysfunction. Acknowledge to yourself and your partner that your behavior is an attempt to calm attachment distress, fears, anxiety, and loneliness and not a true expression of really wanting to get back together, especially when you know that your partner is not the right partner for you.

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Obsessing Over an Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind; 21:23 Min. ; Ima mogucnost prevoda!

Published on Jul 5, 2016
In this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, explores ONE REASON WHY our mind loops in obsessive thinking over an ex-partner. He goes beyond the trauma-symptom explanation of hyper-arousal and intrusive-thinking, and instead introduces the idea of an underlying profound grief that is going unacknowledged.

The ex-partner shows up as a placeholder or object that we project onto. We project onto the ex-partner our history of unmet needs and unrequited love. We project onto the ex-partner our unresolved childhood grief of being ignored, neglected, abandoned, betrayed, or abused.

The image of the ex-partner is the minds way of calling attention to the fact that these painful feelings need attention. However as anyone who gets lost in this obsessive thinking knows, it is easy to get confused in this place and believe that the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings about the ex-partner are just about the ex-partner. Usually more is going on here than longing for the ex-partner.

I hope this video is helpful to you. Thank you for watching. Please leave a comment.

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Alan offers phone or video counseling sessions to clients and is available in-person in Philadelphia.

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True Love, Real Love, Soul Mates, and Reality Distortion; 42:21 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Jul 24, 2016
In this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, talks about true love, real love, soul mates, and reality distortion.

When you come from a dysfunctional family and unhealthy relating, you most likely have the ability to distort reality. If you believe in the concepts of true love, real love, or authentic love, and also believe in the idea of finding a soulmate as "the one" (including what is perhaps called Twin Flames?), then it's very possible that such beliefs will activate and trigger the ability to distort reality.

These heightened spiritual beliefs of a transcendent love that is better, deeper, and blessed by the heaven's are ideas that can easily confuse and disconnect us from rational thinking. If you easily distort reality because that is what you needed to do in order to make sense of your family relationships, then it's best not to invite inherently confusing ideas about esoteric love bound in spiritual relating.

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How to Heal Love Addiction - Alan Robarge; 56:08 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Apr 9, 2016
In this video, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist Alan Robarge talks about 8 Areas to focus for healing Love Addiction. He discusses how to work with the congruency of Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions; as well as explains some key relational dynamics that creates the symptoms and behaviors known as love addiction and codependency.

These symptoms and behaviors are ultimately underscored by attachment injuries that show up as developmental, emotional trauma. Healing love addiction is more about healing these foundational attachment injuries and less to do with an actual addiction.

The addiction-sobriety orientation and model of treatment are based on "old" information. The "new" information is about treating attachment trauma and focusing on the interpersonal neurobiology of relating, specifically limbic resonance (emotional responsiveness). This is "The New Love Addiction."

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Emotional Oversharing - Love Addiction; 26:38 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on May 14, 2016
Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, Alan Robarge, talks about emotional oversharing and how it can actually serve to push others away. Borrowing a phrase by Pia Mellody from her book Facing Love Addiction, Alan breaks down the phrase, “Share your reality in moderation.”

The dynamics of emotional oversharing and overcompensating come from having lived in a family where emotional engagement was lacking. We learn from childhood to cover up our insecurity of vulnerability and underlying anxiety that results when parents or family members are not fully present and emotionally attuned. Overcompensating emotionally becomes an adaptive response that we take into our adult relationships.

This means we lack the skill to notice or wait for emotional invitations from others and mostly take the lead in the exchange. We become the initiators and will feel uncomfortable when others fail to reciprocate. The paradox or dual purpose of the oversharing is that it actually pushes people away. It actually protects us and puts us in control of emotional vulnerability.

We do this by setting the bar high early on so that to even begin to emotionally connect, another person will have to join us at an already high level of disclosure and openness. This can be off putting for some and/or feel too much too soon. We protect ourselves in this way but in the end undermine our more over-arching need for connection. We end up recreating scenarios where our emotional needs will not be met just as they were ignored in our families.

A practical solution to begin to work with this dynamic is to learn to pause and wait for emotional invitations from others. When we pause, we can practice not always taking the lead or initiating the disclosure. Another practical skill and approach to apply here is to work with underlying anxiety that surfaces when we notice gaps or moments of non-emotional exchange. We must learn to self-soothe and comfort ourselves in those moments when non-emotional exchange is anxiety-provoking.

Finally, we also need to look at the people in our lives and assess if they have the skills necessary to practice emotional disclosure. If they do not, then we need to put forth some effort into connecting with others who do have this skill and who value mutual emotional exchange and connection.

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No Contact Is Not Always Helpful - Love Addiction; 24:04 Min.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on May 12, 2016
No Contact is a necessary approach for distancing from a loved one after a relationship has ended and if there is a compulsive drive to return to the partner. No Contact is an intelligent response and action-plan for when a person is caught in any harmful, unhealthy, domestic violent cycles of abuse. This includes cycles of abuse rooted in emotional manipulation. It is a sign of sanity to commit and employ the No Contact approach as a tool.

However in cases where there is not abuse; and I repeat, in cases where there is not abuse, then sometimes it can be helpful to employ another alternative approach referred to as Conscious Contact. Pursuing Conscious Contact comes from understanding the body’s physiological response to separation and the ensuing primal panic that gets activated when an attachment trauma is now triggered.

If perhaps you have an unintegrated attachment injury, then chances are your body goes into overwhelm due to being denied contact comfort and connection with your partner (now ex-partner). Sometimes there is a need to seek out proximity via not so mature behaviors of perhaps driving by an ex-partner’s home or calling a voicemail just to hear his or her voice, etc. These behaviors are driven by the need for relief from the primal panic.

Conscious Contact is not something to engage in long term but it can be a short-term viable tool to help facilitate releasing your body from looping in profound separation anxiety due to an old, childhood abandonment wound. The goal is to have some brief contact with the partner or proximity to the partner’s home or work so that such contact will trigger release and the body can now calm down.

The key focus here is more about having the skill to then grieve and use the relief from the panic. Conscious Contact is only to be used if you are then able to take care of yourself, self-soothe, and affirm that the relationship is over. If Conscious Contact does the opposite and brings about confusion, stoking more desire to reunite with your ex-partner, then it is not something that will be beneficial.

Conscious Contact has been introduced as a reasonable response when a rigid No Contact approach creates the risk of re-traumatizing a person who has an attachment injury and/or abandonment wound. If a person’s nervous system is chronically revved up in a hyper-aroused state of panic and without any options for release available, then Conscious Contact might actually be a sane, helpful response.

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Inner Child Healing and Attachment Trauma; 54:53 Min. ; Nema prevod!

Published on Jul 31, 2016
In this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, continues to map out a model for self directed healing and specifically talks about the concept of the inner child. He explains this concept of the inner child and how engaging the inner child is a way to personify the younger, more vulnerable parts of ourselves that might still need attention.

Using the inner child as an exercise is one way to work with the past through present moment, real-world engagement. The process includes employing imagination, play, and creativity. This engagement of the inner child gives us what we need, including the acknowledgement of what we never had.

Through these self-parenting interactions anchored in emotional relating, we invite new corrective experiences that impact the brain's wiring.

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Repeating Relationship Patterns - You're Dating Your Parent; 24:15 MIn.; Ima mogucnost prevoda "CC"!

Published on Jul 1, 2016
On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, talks about reoccurring relationship patterns and looks at how these patterns get set up in our early, formative years during childhood. We repeat what we know. We repeat what is familiar. We learn some good skills when growing up, and then also, learn some not so good skills. Most of us are not able to fully question or examine the underlying assumptions and expectations that come with these skills we inherit. We just assume that our way of relating is “normal.”

Healing is about becoming more conscious about the skills we inherited and parsing out what we learned that was either helpful or not helpful to us as adults. When looked at closely, we can easily see that many of the family rules we learned in childhood were channeled or interpreted from the point of view of our younger, developing self – our child self. So this means we are using rules endorsed or believed by our child-self point of view without actually questioning if these rules and beliefs are what we want to endorse or follow today.

Most families do not have built into their communication system a way to receive feedback for adapting to change. This means that most families collectively do not strive for healthier relating. They stay stuck in their usual ways of relating. The family system often times stays at equilibrium and doesn’t change.

This approach of non-change continues to play out on an individual level in our adult relationships. Even if most of us set out to do something different other than what we learned in our family, chances are we end up repeating the same pattern. We end up finding partners who remind us of our parents.

Sometimes we assign meaning to these reoccurring patterns. We think that a reoccurring pattern means that we are able to rework the old scenario of relating and experience a corrective experience. People can confuse themselves with this type of belief. We need to be careful not to be under the influence of denial which means we are justifying bad relationships by convincing ourselves that we need to learn some lesson.

I hope this video is helpful to you. Thank you for watching. Please leave a comment.

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