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https://personalexcellence.co/blog/restore-faith-in-relationships/

I’ve Been Hurt Deeply Before. How Can I Restore My Faith in Relationships?

By Celestine Chua   |   Love & Dating, Relationships

(Image: bored-now)

Hi Anna, firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you were betrayed before. Secondly, I’m really happy for you that you’ve moved on. It was not an easy thing to do but you have done it. Now it’s about taking the next step ahead.

For more on moving on, read How I Moved On From a Heartbreak (series).

The fear of betrayal one experiences after an infidelity may be due to the traumatic experience of that ordeal. However, given that you said you have moved on (and it sounds like you have since you have worked through all the steps of moving on) but the fear still persists, this fear — or at least the root of this fear — may well have nothing to do with that infidelity. Rather, it may stem from before this incident — before you were cheated on, before you even got together with your ex.

In other words, your ex’s infidelity didn’t cause your fear of betrayal. It merely brought it to your awareness. More specifically, it is probably the reflection of deeper fears you have surrounding love, relationships, and most of all, yourself.

Example: My Experience with Heartbreak

For example, after I was let down by G in university, there were times when I wondered if I would ever find someone I like. My subconscious conclusions from the episode were that I wasn’t good enough to be loved, that I could never find love and that perhaps I was destined to be alone. The experience of liking someone, opening my heart to him, and not having my feelings requited crushed my heart (and ego). Deep down I felt like shit, an experience I’ve already detailed in my moving on series.

There were times when I thought that all my relationship and singlehood woes would be resolved if things had worked out with G back in school. However, it didn’t take long before I realized that these thoughts — fears — had nothing to do with G or our connection not working out. Rather, they had everything to do with my own inferiority about myself and my appeal as a woman — all of which I already held years before meeting him. I never thought about them out loud, but subconsciously I already had these hangups.

So why did the G event surface these fears? Well, for the first time in my life, I acknowledged to myself that I wanted to be with someone. For the first time in my life, I opened my heart to someone. And for the first time in my life, the reason for my singlehood was not because “There’s no one I like at the moment” or “I’m not looking for a relationship now,” but that “The person I like doesn’t want to be with me.” To have the possibility of a great relationship dangled in front of me and then ripped away so abruptly only made me feel the raw-wound effects of not being deserving of love.

and

were my deep seated beliefs that came roaring from that episode. These limiting beliefs had always been in me; the episode merely brought them to light.

(I subsequently worked through my hangups surrounding love over the years, as I’ve documented in the following:

• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• Why I Used to Be Afraid of Intimidating Men and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore
• The Beauty of Self – Why I Used To Feel Inferior about My Looks, How I Embraced My Femininity (series)
• How I Found My Soulmate (series)

Doing so subsequently led me to find my real soulmate.)

Deeper Roots Beneath Your Relationship Fears

Now Anna, if you have truly moved on from that infidelity, chances are your fear of betrayal has deeper roots that extend before that infidel relationship. These roots may be from your past or from other fears about yourself. If so, you need to look past that infidelity because your fear doesn’t have (or at least, no longer has) anything to do with the infidelity. You need to look (1) earlier into your past, before that relationship, and (2) deeper into yourself, beneath your day-to-day thoughts and feelings, for your answer.

For example, Person X can experience a betrayal and conclude, “I may get betrayed again,” “There is no good man/woman out there in the world,” and “This new guy/girl I just met may seem nice but who knows if he/she is going to cheat on me after we get together?” These may seem like common fears but they are in fact terminalistic, fear-based conclusions.

However, someone else say Person Y can experience a betrayal too but walk away with the following thoughts, “It’s just this one-off — I’ll meet a good man/woman who will be true to me,” “There are plenty of great, honest, and loyal men/women in this world and I just need to meet the right one,” and “This new guy/girl I just met seems terrific! I look forward to seeing how things will unfold.”

Why the radically difference in thinking between X and Y, despite the same circumstances?

One possibility is that X has always been negative self-beliefs prior to the betrayal, such as, “”I’m not good enough to attract the person I like,” “I’m not deserving of love,” and “I may never find someone who loves me.” All the result of negative self-esteem, lack of positive experiences with love, constantly seeing relationships fail, or all of the above.

Hence when the betrayal happened, X could only see the negative aspects of it — negative aspects that corroborated his/her existing negative beliefs. These negative fears then filled his/her consciousness and became the dominant part of his/her thinking. While it may seem like these fears are the result of the betrayal, they aren’t. They are merely a reflection of X’s negative self-esteem that has been there since before the betrayal.

So what if the betrayal never took place, you ask? What if the relationship worked out and there was never any infidelity? Well, one possibility is that the person would naturally realize that his/her negative self-beliefs were false and let go of them. Quite unlikely though. The more dominant possibility is that his/her negative self-beliefs would manifest in other ways, even with a loving and authentic partner. Can you relate to the following?

• Fear that your partner is seeing someone behind your back, even though he/she has never done anything to deserve this fear
• Feeling that you are not good enough for your partner, even though he/she doesn’t think that way
• Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you enough, even though he/she has always been loving towards you
• Fear that your partner is going to leave you one day, even though there are no signs that the relationship is going wrong
• Possessiveness over your partner, because you fear losing him/her someday
• Feeling like your partner is hiding something from you, even though he has always been truthful with you

On the other hand, Person B, not having existing negative self-beliefs, gets hurt from the betrayal but doesn’t walk away with a lingering fear of relationships. After moving on from the episode, he/she has renewed faith in relationships. He/she sees the betrayal as what it is — a one-off betrayal of trust by someone he/she used to love and trust, as opposed to proof that he/she is not deserving of love or that he/she will continue to be betrayed in future romances. The incident doesn’t get blown up into something that it isn’t.

Uncover and Let Go of these Negative Roots

So Anna, here’s what I recommend:

1. Identify your limiting beliefs about love and relationships. What are the beliefs keeping you from entering a loving relationship? The fear of being betrayed is one, but there are likely more. Write them down. For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program, refer to Day 26: Identify Your Limiting Thoughts.
2. Understand your childhood stories driving these beliefs. How did these beliefs come about? Underneath each belief lies a story, usually originating from childhood. This is especially so for persistent, long-running beliefs. To break them, you need to understand the stories first. Read What Childhood Stories Are You Reenacting Today?
3. Let go of your childhood stories. Refer to steps three to five of the exercise at the end of the childhood stories article.
4. Replace with new, empowering beliefs about love and relationships. Now that you have let go of these stories, what empowering beliefs can you replace your limiting beliefs with? For example: “I don’t deserve to be loved” can be replaced with “I deserve love like anyone else. In fact, I am love.” Another example: “I’m not good enough to be loved” can be replaced with “I’m perfection and there’s nothing wrong or missing in me.” For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program, refer to Day 27: Replace with Empowering Thoughts.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in overcoming this fear and finding the love that you deserve. ?

Here’s a related post: Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever?

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ONO STA VAS RODITELJI NISU NAUCILI, A TREBALI SU?

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/soulmate-course/

[Sign Ups CLOSED] Want to Attract Your Highest Love? Join Soulmate Journey to Find Your “One”!

By Celestine Chua   |   Updates

Are you single? Do you sometimes wonder where your soulmate is… or if he/she even exists? Are you tired of constantly going on connecting with guys/girls, going on bad dates, or even entering into relationships that don’t lead you anywhere? Do you wish to attract your highest love of all?

If you answered “yes,” my upcoming course “Soulmate Journey” is for you. 😀 Read on!

My Journey with Love

First, allow me to share my journey with love. (If you are a regular at PE, you should be familiar with this. Hear me out.)

For 28 years of my life, I was single. While I met many guys in social and work contexts, went on dates sometimes, and even tried out dating services like online dating and arranged dating for a short while, I never found anyone. Sometimes there wasn’t chemistry, sometimes I didn’t like the guy despite his interest, sometimes I would be interested in furthering the connection but the guy didn’t follow up, but the point was that all the connections never led to anywhere.

Now, I wasn’t looking to get into any relationship. If I was, then I wouldn’t be experiencing so much trouble in love. You see, I wanted to be in a relationship with someone I really liked, whom felt a strong connection with, and who liked me too. Whether the relationship would work out in the long run was a different thing altogether (after all, I didn’t even know if I was going to marry!), but the important thing for me was to enter into a meaningful relationship with someone I truly like/love, not be with someone for the sake of it.

Yet, for some reason, I had absolutely no luck in love. I would experience budding romantic connections here and there, but none of them ever worked out. There would always be one thing or another that came in the way, like one person having to leave the country, religious differences, geographical distance preventing the connection from building further, and so on.

So as I saw friends around me get attached, and as I met one happy couple after another, I wondered, Is there something wrong with me? Why is it that others don’t seem to have problems finding love but me? Why is it so difficult to meet a nice guy that I like, and who appreciates and loves me too? Am I cursed in love or something? Am I destined never to meet someone?

And then it happened. One day, a man entered my life. He would later reveal himself to be my soulmate.

After we connected, our connection grew quickly. From acquaintances, to close contacts, to sharing our daily lives with each other, to revealing our deepest thoughts and feelings — thoughts and feelings we don’t normally share, not even with our closest friends. Soon, we became a couple. Then, came the proposal. And last year, we got married, of which you can see our wedding photos and exchange of wedding vows here.

But this isn’t about me or Ken. This is about you. My purpose of sharing my story is to let you know that just like I have found my soulmate, you can too. And I want to help you to attract your highest love that you deserve. 🙂

Introducing Soulmate Journey, to Attract Your Highest Love

Soulmate Journey is a new course I’m conducting to help you find love. It’s an eight-week online coaching course that will take you through the critical mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical shifts you need to take to attract the highest love you deserve. It is a live course conducted by myself, and every session will consist of content, exercises, and live discussion (with me) to help you accelerate your love journey.

Who is This For?

Before I go into the course details, let’s take a look at who this course is for. As with all my other courses, I’m highly selective of who I allow into Soulmate Journey to ensure maximum course experience for everyone. Please sign up only if you meet the following:

This is 100% FOR YOU if…

• You are single. No married people, people in open relationships, or people in relationships but looking to switch partners.
• You hope to one day meet your ideal romantic partner. Perhaps you have been single all your life or you’ve been burned by some bad relationships in the past. But this doesn’t stop you from having that sliver of hope that perhaps, just perhaps, the real one for you is out there, somewhere, waiting to meet you one day. 🙂
• You are tired of bad dating advice that tries to mold you into a template dater. None of that here. I will not ask you to wear a skirt (for girls) or be funny and chatty (for guys) if that isn’t in line with your real self.
• You tend to be more mature even when you were younger. While others were looking for teeny bopper relationships, you were already looking for something more, because you feel like a relationship can/should be more than just that.
• You are tired of going on bad dates or entering into romantic relationships that don’t lead you anywhere. You are ready to meet someone serious, or explore the possibility of meeting a serious romantic prospect in your life.
• You believe in attracting your highest relationship, your partner who is the perfect match for you in more ways than you could ever think of, and not just any random guy/girl.

On the other hand, this is NOT for you if…

• You want to learn to pick up girls/guys. This course isn’t about that.
• You are skeptical about love and soulmates. Or, you don’t believe in the concept of soulmates. This course is not for you unfortunately. (Note there’s a difference between being burnt by love but still being hopeful vs. being fully skeptical about whether there’s anyone out there for you.)
• You are looking for casual encounters and one-night-stands. This course isn’t about that either — go learn PUA.
• You expect the course to match you up with singles. While there’ll be parts of the course where we prep you to meet new, compatible people from the right places — including a field-exercise — Soulmate Journey is about teaching you the self-skills and required shifts to attract your soulmate into your life., which is infinitely more powerful than matching you up with 3 or 4 singles, who may not turn out to be who you like in the end
• You expect to be in a relationship within X weeks/months of joining the course. While some may start attracting romance right away, ultimately the results is dependent on your actions and your current life path. Focus on taking the right actions that will attract your highest love as opposed to being driven by time-based pressures, and you’ll see results soon enough.

What We’ll Be Doing Together

In Soulmate Journey, I’ll work with you to take you from points A to Z of finding your soulmate. This includes

• Understanding the process of finding real love isn’t a one-step, binary process (i.e., from single to attached). There are actually multiple phases to go through. (Module 1)
• Identifying what’s blocking you from finding love (Module 1)
• Uncovering emotional baggage (be it from childhood or past relationships) keeping you single and/or attracting bad relationships (Modules 1–2)
• Working through limiting beliefs holding you back from finding your true love (Modules 1–2)
• The real reason people keep attracting bad/incompatible people/relationships and how to break out of this unhealthy pattern for good (Module 3)
• The one step to attract the most compatible matches for you (Module 3)
• Analyzing your past relationships/dates/attractions to understand your likes/dislikes (Module 4)
• Distilling the REAL, essential criteria you want in someone (clue: it’s not ten, it’s not five, it’s not three either) (Module 4)
• Where to find quality, compatible dates (clue: it doesn’t involve clubs which is quite possibly the worst place to find love) (Module 5)
• Why “hunting” for love will leave you burnt out, and what to do instead (Module 5)
• The 1 magic question you need to decide if someone is worth pursuing (Module 5)
• My Relationship Pyramid and the 6 phases of every connection before entering marriage (Module 5)
• My 5-Step Diamond Model to help you achieve dating success (Module 6)
• Actually getting out there and meeting new people, vs. passively waiting for “love to come your way,” because the latter can never happen (Between Modules 5 and 7)
• How to further your connection with someone compatible (Module 7)
• How to sniff out toxic connections from a mile away (Module 7)
• How to own your true self and radiate in your highest being, whether you’ve found your soulmate or not (Module 8)
• How to know when you’ve found your ONE 🙂 (Module 8)

Here’s what I WON’T be doing:

In case it isn’t obvious from my writings at PE, here’s what I WON’T be telling you to do in the course:

• Ask you to be someone you’re not
• Ask you to go to a bar and pick up girls/guys
• Teach you pickup lines
• Ask you to seduce or manipulate others
• Ask you to hunt for love

Here’s what I WILL be doing:

• Work through with you what’s going on in your inner psyche that’s preventing you from finding your true mate
• Teach you to break through your internal and external blocks prevent you from finding love
• Give you practical tips to act on right away to attract your highest love of all
• Give you love-based, not fear-based, advice to attract YOUR highest partner YOU deserve
• Support you in finding your highest love and best relationship :>

Course Schedule

The course will be conducted over eight weekly sessions, from Feb to May. The timing of the course is 9pm to 11pm (2 hours long), Singapore time (GMT +8), with corresponding timings for other time zones as below (please double check your local timing to be sure):

• EST (GMT -5): Saturday, 8am to 10am
• CST (GMT -6): Saturday, 7am to 9am
• MST (GMT -7): Saturday, 6am to 8am
• UTC (GMT +0): Saturday, 1pm to 3pm
• CET (GMT +1): Saturday, 2pm to 4pm
• IST (GMT +5:30): Saturday, 6:30pm to 8:30pm

(After you enroll, you will be given a link to fill up a registration form. Fill in your local time zone and my meeting host will adjust the meeting time based on your local timing, with all meeting reminders sent based on your time zone.)

At the moment, the sessions are planned for the following dates (subject to changes):

• Module 1: Feb 28 (Saturday)
• Module 2: Mar 7 (Saturday)
• Module 3: Mar 14 (Saturday)
• Module 4: Mar 21 (Saturday)
• * No class on Mar 28 as it is a break week
• Module 5: Apr 4 (Saturday)
• Module 6: Apr 11 (Saturday)
• * Apr 18 will be date week as you get out there to meet people / go on dates!
• Module 7: Apr 25 (Saturday)
• Module 8: May 2 (Saturday)

(* Dates subject to change. I’ll update this space once the class is confirmed and moving forward!)

FAQs

How is Soulmate Journey different from other relationship courses?

Let’s be clear — I’ve never seen anything like Soulmate Journey. I think of this as the course I wish I had when I was single and feeling confused about where my one for me was, or if he even existed. Because then it would have saved me from so much time and energy from looking in the wrong places and still be in square one at the end of the day.

Secondly, I see dating courses out there as generally classified into two categories: One is on pickup artistry. Pickup artistry is about the “art” of finding, attracting, and seducing sexual partners. Works for some and that’s cool, but the question is up there on whether PUA has helped anyone to find a heart-centered relationship at the end of the day.

The second type of dating courses are very commercial, generic dating courses, really focused on the steps to take to land yourself into a relationship. They are slightly better than PUA courses in that they focus on getting into a relationship vs. seduction, but with a slight problem: they are rarely centered on the real person in amidst it all… YOU. They often teach dating techniques, give template advice, teach you to alter yourself in disregard of who you really are, all with the sole aim of getting you to attract as many people as possible and to box you into a relationship at the end of the day. One such course that I studied while I was developing Soulmate Journey talked about how to have “potential partners begging at your feet” (I kid you not).

Soulmate Journey isn’t PUA. It also isn’t about how to get into any relationship and attract a truckload of people. You’ll find that while attracting a ton of guys or girls may give an ego boost, most of the time these connections are extraneous and will simply become noise in the system that ultimately prevent you from identifying your real one. You see, you don’t need to attract a ton of people — what you really need is attracting the highest person who’s meant for YOU.

Soulmate Journey is about YOU, what YOU want in your ideal mate, releasing YOUR internal blocks, and how to attract your highest love of all. This is the only person you need for the most fulfilling, best romantic relationship in your life.

Will you be matching me up with singles?

While there’ll be parts of the course where I’ll prep you to meet new, compatible people from the right places — including a field-exercise where you’ll be getting out there to meet new people (maybe even date)! — Soulmate Journey will not be matching you up with anyone. Rather, this is a course to teach you the self-skills and required shifts to attract your soulmate into your life, which is infinitely more powerful than matching you up with 3 or 4 singles, who may not turn out to be who you like in the end. I’ve joined ad hoc dating services before between my early to late 20s, and I’ve found myself feeling empty and like I just wasted months of my time when I consistently met dates who weren’t a match at all. What you’ll learn here are skills that you’ll take with yourself for your entire love journey, beyond dates that can be a hit or miss.

While this shouldn’t be the sole reason to join the course, you’ll also get to “meet” other singles from around the world by way of your sign up — your fellow course participants. 🙂 Soulmate Journey will allow you to connect with like-minded singles at PE, learn their individual love/singlehood stories and heartaches, learn from each other, and bond in your soulmate journeys. Community will be an important thing in this course, which is why for the first time for a PE course, I’m creating a community group in Facebook for the members to connect during as well as after the course!

I want to get into a relationship by the end of this course?

If you join this course with the intention to get into a relationship right away, please don’t join. You’ll end up wasting your time (and my time as well). Rather, there are other, more efficacious ways to do this, such as matchmaking, arranged dating, or even better yet, getting a mail-order bride (or groom).

Reason being when you put a time limit to the delicate process of love (and such time limits tend to be fear-based), what happens is you’ll subconsciously box yourself to (1) what’s available around you and (2) what’s convenient as opposed to what’s best for you. You will also bring your fear-based energy into the course, affecting the other participants who are serious about finding love-based love that’ll last a lifetime. Last but not least, your fear-based attitude will inevitably attract fear-based dates and relationships to you, hence throwing everything about the course out of the window.

Soulmate Journey isn’t about how to get into a relationship or any relationship. It’s about how to attract your highest partner in life. When you add a time limit to such things, you taint the process and prevent yourself from getting the highest results. What I do know is that it’s best to start as early as possible, because finding one’s love is a process that takes time to activate. Kinda like when you water a seed; it doesn’t grow into a tree overnight or over weeks. It takes months if not years.

Funny is when people approach me in the last minute asking if I can help them create miracles in a two month coaching span — I basically tell them it’s not possible and it’s a process. What I do know is that the sooner you do this, the sooner you’ll attract your ideal love and blossom together with your partner. 🙂

Do you believe there’s someone out there for me?

As a matter of fact, I do. I believe there can be several soulmates for a person, and that there’s a right person for us depending on our current state of consciousness. (For example, the “right” person for you when you’re in your teens may not be the “right” person for you when you’re older, especially if that person grows in a different direction than you).

The real questions here are, “Where is he/she?” And “How do we attract him/her into our life?” These will be what we’ll be working through here. 🙂

Is there an age limit for this course?

This course is on universal principles to find your ideal love. I believe love has no time limit and can enter your life whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or even 60s and beyond. That said, I do recommend to sign up if you’re at least 18 as your consciousness may not be fully developed to fully receive the lessons of the course otherwise.

What is the format of the course?

It will be an online, live coaching class, where all participants will log on to an online meeting room (details provided after registration) every week. During each week’s class, I’ll present the week’s topic along with exercises that everyone will work together and share their answers during stipulated sessions. Throughout the class, you will get to interact with other participants via text chat and post related questions (which I’ll answer live).

Three things you need for the sessions: (1) A computer, (2) A high-speed internet connection, and (3) External mic (for sharing sessions during exercises).

All sessions will be recorded, and the video recordings and slides will be sent 48 hours after every module.

There are some clashes between the course schedule and my calendar. What should I do?

Don’t worry! I will provide the recordings and slides for each session within 48 hours after the session ends. Each week’s recording would be available for viewing right up to the end of the course. This is to help the participants who already have prior engagements that clash with the course schedule. I do request that you commit to watching the recordings of sessions you missed the week they are released plus do the homework (if any), so that you can get the best of the next live session!

Update 28 Feb: Our class is now FULL and registration is now closed. To be informed of the next run, subscribe to free PE newsletter. Thank you! 🙂

Update 28 Feb: Our class is now FULL and registration is now closed. To be informed of the next run, subscribe to free PE newsletter. Thank you! 🙂

Some Words from Registered Participants…

Here’s what some of the registered participants are saying:

Blissful Marriage, Found Her Soulmate

Last week, I got this message from long-time PE reader and past client who has since become a dear friend that I thought I needed to share this with you guys:

As a quick background, Sharon was in a relationship fix three years ago which I provided her pointers to. She subsequently followed her heart and it eventually led her to get together with her boyfriend, who turned out to be her soulmate.

He subsequently proposed ten months later; they married nine months after in a beautiful garden wedding. Two and a half years later, they are now pregnant. Their baby is due in July. ♥

Sharon has found her true soulmate and is the most blissful she has ever been. She was an independent, driven, and smart woman before (she still is), and her relationship has accentuated and elevated her life in ways she previously never thought it would.

Busy Entrepreneur, Found His Girl 🙂

Today (Feb 24) I got an update from my recent coaching client, Jason, who just got attached! 🙂 He’s a busy entrepreneur in his 30s, and when we were working together in our sessions, one of his three year goals was to find his soulmate / get married. It looks like he may have well found his one! 🙂

Jason is such a great guy and he deserves someone equally outstanding, so I was so happy to know when he finally found someone who is such a great match! 🙂 It’s clear that this girl is what he’s looking for and there may be more good news in time to come. 🙂

How about You?

What I’ve shared are the love stories of my past clients. What I’m interested in is YOUR love story. WHO you are meant to be. WHAT’s blocking in your path to finding your highest love. And HOW we can get there. Together. 🙂

Just like Sharon and Jason, you can have your soulmate relationship too, one that elevates you (and your partner) to higher places and supports you into being your highest self. 🙂 Your soulmate is out there, whether you believe it or not.

Are you ready to embark on this journey toward attracting your highest love of all? Well, I’m ready to work with you, and I look forward to working with you to make this happen come Feb 28. 🙂

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/soulmate-course/

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https://personalexcellence.co/blog/singlehood-stigma/

7 Stigmas Surrounding Singles (including “Your Expectations are too High”)

By Celestine Chua   |   Love & Dating, Relationships

Almost 4 years ago, I was at a London pub with an acquaintance-friend, just hanging out. We were talking about relationships (both of us were single), and he asked me how many relationships I had been in before. I was 27 then.

“None,” I said earnestly.

His face paled. “…None?” he repeated. “Like you’ve never been in a relationship before?”

“Yep, been single my whole life,” I chirped, while ignoring the grave look on his face. I had been in a couple of short-term relationships up till then, but they were high-school trivialities that lasted no more than 1–2 weeks so they didn’t count. While I had been on dates and had been in budding romances before, none of them culminated to anything, so I regarded myself as always single.

The acquaintance paused. He took a sip from his drink, almost as if he needed to regain composure from what he just heard. Then he said, “You know, take it as a friend giving advice. When meeting guys next time, especially guys you like, don’t tell them what you just told me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying not to look insulted and hurt. “Like don’t tell guys that I’ve always been single?”

“Yeah. Don’t say you’ve never been in a relationship. Give any number, one or two. Just not zero.”

I paused, trying to hide my incredulous look while cautiously piecing together a diplomatic response. “But I’m not going to lie and tell people that I’ve been in relationships when I haven’t. That’s not who I am.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but if you tell guys that you’ve always been single, it’s not going to help. Trust me, I’m a guy. And I have many guy friends.”

The conversation quickly shifted to something else, but I remembered feeling slighted as a woman when we departed that evening. Lie about my singlehood? Why? Why should I have to hide my relationship history? Why should it be something to be ashamed about? It didn’t help that my acquaintance-friend was a presentable guy in his 30s, which left me wondering if there were really other guys who would think this way too.

Fast forward 3 years, and I’ve since met and married my soulmate. 🙂 And no, I never had to lie or present a front, because I’ve always known that this isn’t the right way to attract real love. Games will only get you so far; real love is much grander than that.

Now, while I’m now married, I’ve always remained extremely passionate about helping singles to attract the love they deserve. That’s why I’m currently running a premium course Soulmate Journey to help singles to attract the love they deserve. If you’re a single, you’ve probably been subjected to scrutiny and negative judgment from others due to your singlehood–and I want you to know that I FEEL YOU! As liberal our society has become, there are still many stigmas against singles today I want to burst with a pitchfork. Some are backward; some are plain untrue. Here are seven common stigmas surrounding singles — can you relate to them?

Stigma #1: You are not eligible / undesirable

Have you ever felt that people lessen your worth just because you’re single? After all, everything in life comes in pairs. Our eyes, ears, lips, hands, legs, lungs, and kidneys. Being attached/married has always been seen as the de facto of life. To be single, not so much.

So when people see that you’re single, especially when you’re at or past marriageable age, some mentally discount your worth. Some assume you must be undesirable. Some wonder if there’s something wrong with you causing you to remain single even at your age.

But hey, is this true though? No, not really. Some singles may be single because they are choiceful about who to enter a relationship with. For example, I was single for so long because I didn’t want to get into a relationship with just any good guy, but someone I have a connection with. It took me 28 years to find my life’s true match, and as it turns out, this relationship is the only romantic relationship I need to be in. 🙂

For others, they may be prioritizing their careers or self-development currently. Then you have singles may just prefer to be single for now. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean he/she is undesirable; in fact, there are many very eligible singles out there, waiting to meet their “one”!

Stigma #2: You have issues

Here’s the thing, and this may be an unpopular opinion: it is true that some singles have inner blocks that prevent them from getting attached. I shared about my own blocksbefore in my soulmate series, which included feeling I wasn’t good enough and fear of being hurt. For other singles, their blocks can be past failed relationships causing them to lose faith in love, also feeling they’re not good enough, lack of self-confidence, negativeself-image, negative childhood stories, or even their own skepticism about love.

This collective mix of blocks leads to what I call the “singlehood aura” — an invisible “shield” that blocks singles from finding real love. (More on the singlehood aura and how to bust it in Soulmate Journey.)

Now, the problem with this stigma is that it connotes that singles are broken, incomplete beings who need a relationship to be whole, and that they are failures for not being with someone. That ain’t true at all. Not true at all.

When I say “issues,” I’m referring to blocks that any human being — you, me, your mom, my mom, the president, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey — has. All of us have issues to work through, but this doesn’t make us any less complete than others. Single people have issues, attached couples have issues, and so do married couples. Everyone has “stuff” to work through, no matter who you are. (When you consider that there are many married folks out there cheating on their other halves behind their backs, suddenly it’s clear that some couples probably have more “stuff” to deal with than some singles.)

Know that you are complete, and your singlehood isn’t a problem in itself. We are all in our individual paths and some of us attract love sooner while some later. While love will 100% elevate your life to the next level, it starts with you first recognizing you are a complete as yourself.

Stigma #3: Your expectations are too high

It’s good to have high expectations. But when you’re single and past marriageable age, some people, especially older adults, chide you for having overly high expectations. “Stop being so picky,” they say. “Lower your expectations and settle with a decent guy/girl, or you may not find anyone anymore.”

Do singles have overly high expectations? Actually yes, some do. Some have ridiculous ideologies about how their partner should be like, from knowing how to climb mountains, to being witty and able to make them laugh, to knowing how to cook, to loving dogs, to belonging a certain faith. Now individually these traits are sound, but when combined, suddenly it becomes near impossible to find anyone that matches anything on your list.

However, I’ve found that such singles with fairy-tale ideologies aren’t common. Instead, the problem I’ve found with most singles isn’t that they have high expectations, but that they have wrong expectations. What do I mean? Clue: What most people think is what they want usually isn’t what they really want. That’s why they keep having problems finding their ideal mate — because they aren’t even looking at the right place for the right things! Hence, it isn’t about lowering your expectations which will only make you miserable in the long run (because you’ll just be “settling” then and repressing your real wants), but clarifying your real wants. (I share more on how to deep-dive and identify your ideal partner in Soulmate Journey.)

Stigma #4: You are high-maintenance/clingy

In terms of relationships, high-maintenance means being emotionally needy and having a lot of expectations. This term is usually used to describe women. Some men seem to think that if a woman has always been single, she must be a crazy, clingy woman when attached. After all, she doesn’t have much relationship experience, so she’s going to be too *into* me after we become attached. It’s going to be difficult for me to break up with her later on. Better steer clear, is what some guys may think. Some may assume that since the woman is single, it’s probably because she is too demanding and hence hasn’t been able to get together with anyone.

Clingy = How a koala bear is to a tree ♥

Well, I can see truths here and there. Indeed, some longstanding singles can be very independent before a relationship, but suddenly turn the 180 degree and become very high-strung, sensitive, and possessive after getting together with someone. Some singles do have crazy expectations (see Stigma #3) which prevents them from being happy with anyone. Sometimes it’s just a path that one has to get through as he/she works out his/her relationship needs and the role of a relationship in his/her life.

Yet, “emotional neediness” can happen for girls and guys, including those who’ve been in many relationships before. For example, I knew a friend’s friend who would go psycho and tell his friends about how his girlfriend was cheating on him etc. when she didn’t reply to his calls/texts. (No, I’m not joking.) This would happen for each girlfriend he was with, though I don’t know if he has worked through this issue internally. (And he prides himself at being a pick-up artist and teaches men how to pick up women — go figure?)

Clearly, clinginess in a relationship is more dependent on the person than a person’s relationship history. Some singles remain extremely independent even after getting into a relationship, because they had so much space to come into their own prior to getting together with someone. I was never clingy or emotional needy after I got together with my boyfriend / now-husband (in fact I remained quite independent for a while before shifting to interdependence), and it’s the same for my longstanding single friends when they got together with their boyfriends / now-husbands. So, to each his/her own.

Stigma #5: You’re desperate

According to Dictionary.com, desperate means “having an urgent need, desire,” “actuated by a feeling of hopelessness.” In terms of dating, I see desperate as…

• Constantly obsessing to be in a relationship
• Being men/women hungry
• Constantly eyeing for men/women to hit on while you’re out, including when you’re at others’ weddings (and funerals)
• Hitting on multiple men/women (even if you don’t like them) just to increase your chances of getting attached
• Entering into a relationship with someone even when you don’t like him/her, just for the sake of being with someone

Desperate ISN’T

• Joining dating agencies, singles’ events, and online dating. These are simply avenues to date and meet people
• Being proactive in seeking your ideal partner
• Engaging a dating coach
• Joining a dating course
• Being open to be set up on dates

Some singles are desperate, yes. But many aren’t. Just because someone is single, and out there meeting singles and joining singles’ events, doesn’t mean he/she is desperate. There’s a difference between being proactive and desperate in love, and it’s time to toss outdated views out of the window including “love should happen naturally” and “I should leave love to fate (and not do anything about it).”

Stigma #6: You’ll be left on the shelf (for ladies)

Now I may be biased since I’m female, but I feel females tend to be more stigmatized for being single than males. It’s really true, especially in Asia.

For example, here females tend to be seen as most eligible when they’re in their 20s, because that’s when they are (a) most attractive (as defined by the society), and (b) more likely to bear children. As they enter their 30s, late 30s, and beyond, they tend to “depreciate” in their value as a mate. It’s why dating agencies in Singapore generally accept females up to their early 30s. (In fact joining *only* when you’re in your early 30s may even be too late because girls in their 20s are preferred due to the above reason.) Older than that and you’ll probably be rejected. It’s not that the agencies stigmatize these women, but that such women simply aren’t in demographics that their male clientele is looking for.

On the other hand, men tend to be seen as eligible even when they’re in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. Think George Clooney, who was constantly named as America’s most eligible bachelor up till he got married last year at the age of 53. There’s Leonardo Dicarprio who, despite being 40, shows no signs of settling down as he changes supermodel girlfriends more often than I drink coffee. And there’s Donald Trump, who married for the third time in 2005 at the age of 59, with Slovenian model Melania Knauss (who was 35 then)!

And should I mention Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy Enterprises, who recently re-married in 2012 at the age of 85? And his wife? She was 25 then, and 28 as of 2015. (She’s even younger than me.)

But, this whole “left on the shelf” thing? I think it’s baloney and should be thrown out of the window, because it’s an outdated view that only creates pressure on single women to marry quickly while young, leading to them being in relationships with someone they don’t love. This later leads to marital troubles, cheating, affairs, divorce, and what have you. (And that’s why you have services like Ashley Madison popping out of the woodwork.)

Yes sure, a woman’s fertility decreases in her early 30s and rapidly after 35. But there are women who have children in their late 30s. And not all couples need to have children; some already have children from previous relationships. And if you’re past the child-bearing age, there’s always adoption, and god knows how many orphaned kids there are out there who can do with a home. Lest you think adoption is only for women who can’t have babies, think again. We have Katherine Heigl, who has two beautiful adopted children with her husband. (She adopted them when she was 30 and 33.) We have Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together — 3 adopted, 3 biological.

My take is that everyone has a different love journey. Some meet their mate in high school. Some meet him/her in their 20s. Some their 30s. Some meet their soulmate in their 40s, or even 50s and beyond. Just because a lady isn’t attached/married yet doesn’t mean she is doomed to be left on the shelf. There is a love story for every one of us, as long as we open ourselves and take the step to make it happen.

Stigma #7: You’re gay (for guys)

Now this may seem funny, but so many think this way. When you’re a guy and you’ve been single for a long time, people automatically assume you’re gay. In fact, whenever my friends and I meet a guy who’s eligible yet single, the first question that surfaces is, “Is he gay?” (And half the time it IS true!)

Now I’ve gay friends and they are awesome. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. While some gays do pretend to be single (despite having a partner) as a cover for their homosexuality, there are plenty of single men in their 30s, 40s, and older who are straight. Some of these men can be focusing on their careers, working on themselves, or simply haven’t found their “one” yet. So, just because a man is single doesn’t mean he’s gay! Stop harassing the single men and leave them alone!

Next — photos from my wedding last year!! Click: The Day I Got Married ♥

Be sure to read these articles:

• Are You Treating Dating as a “Game”?
• Are You Looking For a Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• “I’ll leave love to fate.” 5 Myths Keeping You from Finding Love
• Why I Used to Be Afraid of Intimidating Men and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore
• How to Find Your Soulmate (series)

Update Feb 28: Class is now full and registration is closed! Thanks everyone for your interest! 😀

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/singlehood-stigma/

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https://personalexcellence.co/blog/finding-love-myths/

‘I’ll leave love to fate.’ 5 Myths Keeping You from Finding Love, Debunked

By Celestine Chua   |   Love & Dating, Relationships

For a long time, I wanted to set up this friend of mine. She’s attractive, smart, and an overall great catch. But every time we talked about love, dating, and possibly setting her up, she’d respond with,

At first I thought, Okay, maybe she’s just not ready. But then one year passed. Three years. Five years.

It’s been six years, and she’s still single. While there’s nothing wrong with being single, my friend does want to be with someone, but she does nothing about it, instead always saying, “I’ll leave things to fate.” As she’s closed off to being remotely proactive in love, I’ve stopped broaching the topic. Instead, I’ve moved on to set up other friends — one of whom has since entered a stable, happy relationship last year, due to Ken and I.

How much of a role does fate play in love? Do we truly have no role to play when it comes to love? Today, I’d like to share five common myths that may be preventing you from finding your “one”:

Myth #1: I’ll leave love to fate

While I was reading your responses to my recent survey on finding love, I noticed some of you adopt an external locus of control when it comes to love. “External locus of control” means having a worldview that things are out of one’s control and one doesn’t have a role to play in said outcome. In this case, views like…

In these cases, these individuals do want love, they do want to be in a blissful relationship, but do not see themselves playing any role in making this happen.

Yet, the question comes to, “How much of a role do we play in finding love?” I can’t give you a definite answer, but it’s definitely not 0%. It’s also not 10%. From my experience, it can go anywhere from 40~% (myself) to as much as 99% (where my friends and clients have made pivotal moves that led to them finding their partners today).

Quantum Entanglement

Have you heard of “quantum entanglement”? It’s a physical phenomenon first revealed in 1935 in a paper by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen. They discovered pairs of photons, or “entangled” photons, connected by a strange link.

Apparently, when you separate individual photons in a pair, you can always infer the polarization of one photon by measuring that of its counterpart. So meaning if you have two photons (A and B), and photon A changes in polarization, the polarization of photon B will change too, to match that of A’s — regardless of how far apart they are.

It’s as if B knew that A has changed… despite the vast distance between them, despite there being no known way for them to communicate.

The invisible link between paired photons, unexplainable even by physicists today [More on quantum entanglement: 1, 2, 3]

When I saw this, I immediately thought of soulmates: Two beings with an unexplainable link with each other. Just like you’re a unique individual with your idiosyncrasies and talents, somewhere out there, there is someone who complements you in his/her own special way. Your parallel. Your yin/yang match. Your partner, to soar with you in life.

Now, when it comes to soulmates, there is this invisible link they share — all the way from birth (even before that actually; that’s how they were born as soulmates). Even if you don’t believe in soulmates and all this “woo woo” stuff, think of it this way: when you vibrate at your highest consciousness, one where you’re your highest self and ready for your highest love, you radiate your brightest energy that invisibly attracts people with similar energy. This includes like-minded souls, potential mates, and… your soulmate. Your ultimate relationship. Your true match.

Example: How I “Attracted” Ken into My Life

Since my early 20s, there were many things I did that helped prepare me for my best relationship. Firstly, living true to my path, quitting my job to start my business, and doing what I’m meant to do. Secondly, constant work at living true to myself, being my highest self, and being aligned inside and out. Thirdly, going into a serious deep dive into love and dating when I was 27–28, even entering into some romantic connections, which then helped me to be ready for my eventual relationship with Ken.

By the time I was “done,” my energy was radiating so brightly that Ken — we were just strangers then — got my “signal” loud and clear. One fine night, at 4:30am, he got a sudden inkling to organize his phone book when he should be sleeping. (Note that I was in South Africa and him in Singapore, so we were literally 5,400 miles apart.) This was the action that put us back in touch and led us to be together.

Did he need to organize his phone book? No. Why did he do it then? That’s anyone’s guess, but there were several clues that pointed to this being a synchronicity vs. an “accident”:

1. He never organizes his phone book. Ever.
2. He was deleting some names and sorting some names. Then he saw my name under “C” (“Celestine Chua”) and thought of messaging me, even though he wasn’t organizing with the intent to message anyone.
3. Up till then, we had never messaged each other. My number had just been sitting in his phone for the past 4.5 years, probably from my business card.
4. Even though we last met 4.5 years ago (passed by each other on a street), he could remember me very vividly. (No, he wasn’t reading my blog then.)
5. After he messaged me, he stopped organizing his phone book and went to sleep. I was the only person he messaged that night.

His innocuous “hi” led to thousands of text exchanges, to us becoming a couple, to proposal, to marriage. And thus beginning our journey together.

If you ask me, we were drawn into each other’s lives because our consciousness was at the right match. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have re-acquainted; even if we did, we also wouldn’t be together since we wouldn’t be ready to receive each other yet.

Your Role in Love

While I think most people tend to assume a 0% responsibility in love, I’d like to suggest the opposite: You have a much bigger role to play in love than you think.

After all, when you’re inert in your love path, you naturally close yourself off from others. You project a closed signal, or even, no signal. You say you want to be in a relationship (or you wish to deep down), but on the outside you have this huge signboard that says, “Sorry, not interested [in love]. Go away.” This confuses the universe and leaves her wondering, Errr, what exactly does he/she want?

Since your intentions and actions don’t tally, you manifest misaligned results — jagged, sporadic encounters with men/women that don’t culminate into anything. For some: toxic, unfulfilling relationships. For others: a barren dating life, as they refuse to be involved in creating their love destiny. Which is really unfortunate, because deep down, you may be a terrific guy/girl, ready to meet your true love and create the relationship of your life!!

On the other hand, when you take ownership of your love life, suddenly, possibilities open up. Men/women you’ve never met before appear. People ask you out on dates, more so than usual. (This happened to me when I opened myself up, a year before I met Ken.) You meet more and more compatible men/women.

Because you are conscious of your role in love, you also take proactive, positive actions to attract your “one.” You start doing things that you don’t normally do, that seem random but are really leading you to your “one.” In turn, leading you to your “one.” ♥ 😀

To quote the site Twinflame Soulmates:

Truth: Sometimes fate is busy; you need to give her a helping hand. By being proactive in love, it helps to set you on your love path, attract the right people, and open you up to new possibilities in love. 🙂

Myth #2: “Live your life” and love will come

People often harp on the saying, “Live your life and love will come your way.” After all, “live your best life” is one of my tips on finding love. In my soulmate series, I also shared how I was focused on “living my life” when Ken appeared.

While important, there are other parts to the love equation than just “living your life.” For example, removing your inner blocks to love. Processing emotional baggage (such as from past relationships). Uncovering your singlehood blocks, including fears about love, which many of us have. Processing said fears. Uncovering limiting beliefs about yourself. Addressing said limiting beliefs. Really opening your heart to love.

Until these are done, these blocks can hinder you in your love journey. Worse still, they may even attract toxic matches, because energetically you’re at the wrong place!

Before Ken re-entered my life, I was single the whole time. The key reason was because I was very choiceful about who I wanted to be with. I didn’t see a point in being with someone unless I felt a strong connection and saw potential together. (This person turned out to be Ken.)

Now, there was something else driving my singlehood: my subconscious blockages to love. Note that these blocks were deep blocks, meaning I didn’t know they existed until I did a deep dive into myself and love. If I hadn’t taken the time to seriously explore myself and love, I would never have uncovered them. These included

• Fear of being with someone
• Fear of not being good enough
• Feeling unworthy of love
• Innate desire to remain single, despite claiming otherwise
• Sexuality issues
• Lack of confidence in my worth as a woman
• Unclarified image of my ideal partner (I thought I had it smack down since 22–23, but no, I didn’t)
• Fear that I couldn’t find anyone
• Body image issues (Up till my mid-20s)
• Lack of confidence in my true beauty (Up till my mid-20s)

Energetically, these blocks dimmed my “light.” They “clouded” my aura, making it murky. As a result, they prevented me from radiating at my highest self, and even brought along a toxic bad connection (which I quickly chopped off). It was after I processed these junk and cleared my “stuff” that my aura could radiate at its highest level and draw Ken in (see Myth #1). If I didn’t clear these blocks, I don’t think I would have been able to attract Ken back into my life.

If you’ve been single for a while, or you consistently attract bad connections, it’s possible that you’re dealing with such blocks. Now, everyone’s blocks is different, specific to you and your story. You want to ask yourself, “Why am I attracting X people? / Why am I not attracting my desired match?”, “Is there anything blocking me in love?” and “How can I address these blocks?” These will help you get started in uncovering these blocks.

(In Soulmate Journey, I’ll be working with you to uncover your individual love blocks and address them, so that you can exude your best energy and attract the right one for you.)

Truth: “Live your life” is only part of the equation of finding love. If you’ve been single or attracting incompatible partners for a while, you likely have blocks blocking you from your highest love. Until these blocks are addressed, simply “living your life” will not change anything.

Myth #3: Love should happen naturally